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01 - Introduction
02 – Your first love
03 – Your parents (this is long as HELL
04 - What you ate today
05 - Your definition of love
06 - Your day
07 - Your best friend
08 - A moment
09 - Your beliefs (photo insensive)
10 - What you wore today
11 - Your siblings
12 - What's in your bag?
13 - This week
14 - What you wore today

Your dreams

My dreams have always been quite vivid, convoluted and strange. I listen to them, pay attention to them, use them to communicate with the divine.

I dream of houses, meandering and immense. They're always my house, even though I constantly find myself unsure of my path. I'm shocked by secret rooms, entire wings or floors, I never knew existed. Unknown kitchens with cupboards full of hidden poison, common areas never seen before which must be shared with neighbors. I find rooms I am loathe to cross the threshold. Standing in the doorway, I find myself almost overcome with some black primordial dread that I have no name for. Something is in that room. Something alien, something bad. Every single one of my bones sings of how entrance to that room will bring nothing but terror and pain. I once dreamt I woke from sleep and found that my roommate of the time had stolen the walls to my bedroom. Another time, I moved from room to room between the walls.

I read once that dreaming of a house is to dream about one's psyche. The rooms which fall within are meant to represent one's compartments of thought. A facile notion, but one that gives me pause when I remember the rooms I refuse to enter.

Water is another big one for me. Rivers and pools and the rain and the sea. God, the dreams of the ocean I have. I frequently dream of going to the seaside, to a tiny hamlet of a beach, and watching the sharks patrol the water only a few yards off shore. Giant waves blot out the sun, I can only watch as they come crashing, my heart in my throat.

I have the typical anxiety dreams as anyone else: teeth crumbling from my mouth, desperate lavatorial searches, the shambling horde on my doorstep. I've tried to fly away, fly to safety, but I always wind up not being able to get past the powerlines. I dream of former loves, my heart being broken all over again, and of people I've never met in my life. I used to always dream about a boy with dark hair, glasses, and an English accent. For years, growing up with this friend I never actually knew. I eventually met him and those dreams stopped.

I dream of cities, sprawling to the horizon in towering shapes and odd geometry I never knew possible. New Orleans, London, Philadelphia, Boston. I have a mundane sort of precognition where I dream of the most banal situations which later come true, small slivers of daily life. I sat on a suitcase in a parking lot and watched two classmates play tennis. It happened two years later in Boston. Why can't I dream of lottery tickets or winning horse races? Like any of my other talents, it is patently absurd and useless.

Dreaming the discovery of my mother still being alive, that her death was all just a mistaken farce or misunderstanding are the absolute worst. At the moment of being given the news, the complete fear which sweeps through my body is nerve-wracking and leaves nothing but guilt in its wake. It's always the idea that my life will go back to what it was when I was taking care of her that drives me to feel in that manner. The endless anxiety, the constant pervading sense of helplessness against the tide of her sickness. It took so much away from me, I don't know if I could handle it a second time.

The past few weeks, my dreams have been thin and weak. Watered down and unremarkable. I'm not getting enough sleep, not by anyone's standards- let alone those of my hypersomnia that irritates the Engineer and infuriates the cats. Life has been getting in the way, as it tends to do when it begins to fishtail a bit on the road. That needs to stop. I want my dreams back.


16 – Your first kiss
17 – Your favorite memory
18 – Your favorite birthday
19 – Something you regret
20 – This month
21 – Another moment
22 – Something that upsets you
23 – Something that makes you feel better
24 – Something that makes you cry
25 – A first
26 – Your fears
27 – Your favorite place
28 – Something that you miss
29 – Your aspirations
30 – One last moment

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thejunipertree

January 2011

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