(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

I haven't updated in a a few days' time. Silly,
bad me. My life has been hectic, an uproar. And
I have been the upside down girl. Head over
ankles, falling through the Rabbit hole. Such
is life. Such is me.

I feel strange. And infectious. The past few
days have also wrought many changes in my brain.
Most of them previously experienced.

I go back and forth between feeling like I'm
hot damn boy howdy cute and hideously ugly slug
for a body. I don't know. Yay! Low self esteem
girl!

The sting of betreyal is also still rather
fresh. I try not to think about it, but the
wounds are still sharp. I try to put it behind
me, but I suppose I'm just not that good of a
person.

Everyone thinks I'm so terribly strong, for the
things I've gone through and survived in my life.
But, I don't feel it. I don't courage. I feel
only weakness. And fear. Tempered with a healthy
dose of self-loathing.

This body, this being, is a shell. A prison I
can't escape from. sometimes, I don't want to be
me anymore. I want to be someone else. It doesn't
matter who, just as long as I'm not trapped in
this form with this damaged brain and scarred up
heart.

I want out.

When I was young, I used to go the melodramatic
route and cut myself up. It was a vaunted attempt
to make myself feel real. To prove to myself that
I wasn't some insignifacant, imaginary fool. Then,
when I got older, I would abuse myself in drugs.
In an effort to NOT feel real. I wanted to escape
the pain.

Where do I go know? Which road? I don't want
either of them ever again.