Here's my 2 cents for what its worth -I admire your strength in taking care of things for yourself and others, in trying to make sense of what happened in your own mind -it is natural to feel grief and to go through a mourning process -no one said you had to share it with the world or go through the trauma time and time again -unfortunately for some, the gist of the matter is really going to have to satisfy them. As for holiday money worries I too am in the same boat -I hope you get some green to cheer up your blues. And lastly, I have always thought you so brave in dealing with your mother's illness, in coming to terms with her death and you have to be one of the most amazing people to me in how you cope -I a wishing you all the best holiday even though I know its obviously going to be rough. I'd love to put you on my Christmas card list if you'll get me your address. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you a happier year to come.