thejunipertree (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thejunipertree) wrote2002-06-17 03:32 am
thejunipertree) wrote2002-06-17 03:32 am
Entry tags:
my day:
I had a bit of a spaz out in front of the bookstore this evening, whilst sitting with the Engineer. I just couldn't take things anymore at that point. I had been talking about my mom and what was going on and I just lost it.
I started crying. And mumbling about how I was scared. I told him about how Todd's been having dreams for months now that Mom was going to die.
He told me he was glad that I was crying, because I internalise everything so much and don't tell anyone how I feel.
The scary thing is I was still holding back so much.
I want to scream my throat bloody. And pound on things until they break into bitty little fragments. I want to hit people and hurt them and rail about how it's so fucking unfair and things like this don't happen to MY family. It only happens to other people.
Everything seems so strange, like it's unreal. A dream. And I keep expecting to wake up from it.
It's hard. Knowing that it /is/ all reality and there's not a damn thing I can do about any of it.
I started crying. And mumbling about how I was scared. I told him about how Todd's been having dreams for months now that Mom was going to die.
He told me he was glad that I was crying, because I internalise everything so much and don't tell anyone how I feel.
The scary thing is I was still holding back so much.
I want to scream my throat bloody. And pound on things until they break into bitty little fragments. I want to hit people and hurt them and rail about how it's so fucking unfair and things like this don't happen to MY family. It only happens to other people.
Everything seems so strange, like it's unreal. A dream. And I keep expecting to wake up from it.
It's hard. Knowing that it /is/ all reality and there's not a damn thing I can do about any of it.