thejunipertree (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thejunipertree) wrote2009-08-09 03:11 am
thejunipertree) wrote2009-08-09 03:11 am
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A few weeks ago, I got into watching this program on A&E called Obsessed. Each week was an hour long episode that usually focused on two different people with a variety of OCD symptoms. Some episodes showed germaphobes, one had a woman who was obsessed with/held a phobia of death, some dealt with hoarding. In each show, the afflicted individuals work with a therapist to get over their disorders. Pretty straight forward stuff. One episode, the one I got excited over when I heard about it, was one dealing with a man with trichotillomania.
Beyond the fact that it was acting a man with trich (which is unusual enough), but it was a major channel paying attention to a disorder that gets next to no public attention, so I was pretty psyched to hear about.
While watching it, I realized my hands were getting twitchy and I was practically almost overrun with the compulsion to pull my hair out. Normally, I don't realize when I'm getting ready to do it, or even when I'm in the midst of it. I've lived with this disorder for so long (had it since I was about seven or eight and it's easily the "eldest" of my issues), I've grown so used to the feelings preceding the compulsion, that I barely recognize it anymore.
And this is something I've noticed with me before. Any time I've joined one of the trich support groups online and read the stories of others, I've always felt the compulsion even more than I normally do. So now, I just stay away from them.
I've been studying my state-of-mental a lot lately, in general, in an effort to deduce if I really need some type of medical attention. For a number of reasons, I've never gone through any type of treatment or medical supervision for any of my disorders; I've only been diagnosed. In my adult years, I've always had enough marbles to feel comfortable working and living unmedicated. Meds scare me, so I figure if I can get by without them- so much the better.
But, as I get older, I've been noticing that my illness has changed in small ways and even continues to change. I've developed new small compulsions, a handful in the past year alone, and some older ones have lessened in intensity.
For instance, I now have to push in the deadbolt on our apartment door as I leave. I will wait for people to file out in front of me so I can do it, or reach under the arm of who ever is holding the door open (usually the Engineer). I do this so I can hold a certainty of the door being locked. A few times, I've tried to ignore the desire to do this, but once I got in my car, I would get overwhelmed by anxiety and be convinced the door is still open and someone will go into the apartment and let the cats out and they'll get killed because they are old cats who rarely see outside and the people who went into the apartment will break and steal our stuff and...
Convinced and anxious enough to the point that I will come back inside, unlock the door, push the deadbolt three time, then close the door and leave.
Textures are getting worse for me, particularly with food. In general, most tactile sensations are getting worse. The list of things that freak me out to touch, taste, hear, see, and smell has gotten longer. I don't know what to make of that, other than a vague sense of being annoyed.
Insomnia/hypersomnia has gotten worse. No explanation needed with that.
None of the new ones are affecting my ability to live my life, but they are concerning nonetheless purely because they never existed before. I've never heard much about people experiencing this, hence- my concern.
The idea of pursuing medical attention for my broken brain does not fill me full of joy and song. I don't have health insurance, for starters, and don't have the money to pay for this type of thing out of pocket. I know there are reduced cost programs over the bridge, but all the ones I've looked into want me to actually live on that side of the bridge. The programs closer to home are mostly based in Camden and are for extremely low income individuals. And because I'm single with no dependants, the state considers my yearly wages to be FISH DON'T FRY IN THE KITCHEN BEANS DON'T BURN ON THE GRILL kind of money.
So, what's left to me for options? Responsible self-mediciation and careful examination of my mental status? Rubbing Baby's belly whenever I get anxious (you'd be surprised at the wonders this brings about)? Sucking it up and getting on my company's health insurance (even though this will mean that ALL free money I currently have in every paycheck will now be taken away by my premium because the price is close to the exact amount that budgets out for me in every pay)?
A few weeks ago, I got into watching this program on A&E called Obsessed. Each week was an hour long episode that usually focused on two different people with a variety of OCD symptoms. Some episodes showed germaphobes, one had a woman who was obsessed with/held a phobia of death, some dealt with hoarding. In each show, the afflicted individuals work with a therapist to get over their disorders. Pretty straight forward stuff. One episode, the one I got excited over when I heard about it, was one dealing with a man with trichotillomania.
Beyond the fact that it was acting a man with trich (which is unusual enough), but it was a major channel paying attention to a disorder that gets next to no public attention, so I was pretty psyched to hear about.
While watching it, I realized my hands were getting twitchy and I was practically almost overrun with the compulsion to pull my hair out. Normally, I don't realize when I'm getting ready to do it, or even when I'm in the midst of it. I've lived with this disorder for so long (had it since I was about seven or eight and it's easily the "eldest" of my issues), I've grown so used to the feelings preceding the compulsion, that I barely recognize it anymore.
And this is something I've noticed with me before. Any time I've joined one of the trich support groups online and read the stories of others, I've always felt the compulsion even more than I normally do. So now, I just stay away from them.
I've been studying my state-of-mental a lot lately, in general, in an effort to deduce if I really need some type of medical attention. For a number of reasons, I've never gone through any type of treatment or medical supervision for any of my disorders; I've only been diagnosed. In my adult years, I've always had enough marbles to feel comfortable working and living unmedicated. Meds scare me, so I figure if I can get by without them- so much the better.
But, as I get older, I've been noticing that my illness has changed in small ways and even continues to change. I've developed new small compulsions, a handful in the past year alone, and some older ones have lessened in intensity.
For instance, I now have to push in the deadbolt on our apartment door as I leave. I will wait for people to file out in front of me so I can do it, or reach under the arm of who ever is holding the door open (usually the Engineer). I do this so I can hold a certainty of the door being locked. A few times, I've tried to ignore the desire to do this, but once I got in my car, I would get overwhelmed by anxiety and be convinced the door is still open and someone will go into the apartment and let the cats out and they'll get killed because they are old cats who rarely see outside and the people who went into the apartment will break and steal our stuff and...
Convinced and anxious enough to the point that I will come back inside, unlock the door, push the deadbolt three time, then close the door and leave.
Textures are getting worse for me, particularly with food. In general, most tactile sensations are getting worse. The list of things that freak me out to touch, taste, hear, see, and smell has gotten longer. I don't know what to make of that, other than a vague sense of being annoyed.
Insomnia/hypersomnia has gotten worse. No explanation needed with that.
None of the new ones are affecting my ability to live my life, but they are concerning nonetheless purely because they never existed before. I've never heard much about people experiencing this, hence- my concern.
The idea of pursuing medical attention for my broken brain does not fill me full of joy and song. I don't have health insurance, for starters, and don't have the money to pay for this type of thing out of pocket. I know there are reduced cost programs over the bridge, but all the ones I've looked into want me to actually live on that side of the bridge. The programs closer to home are mostly based in Camden and are for extremely low income individuals. And because I'm single with no dependants, the state considers my yearly wages to be FISH DON'T FRY IN THE KITCHEN BEANS DON'T BURN ON THE GRILL kind of money.
So, what's left to me for options? Responsible self-mediciation and careful examination of my mental status? Rubbing Baby's belly whenever I get anxious (you'd be surprised at the wonders this brings about)? Sucking it up and getting on my company's health insurance (even though this will mean that ALL free money I currently have in every paycheck will now be taken away by my premium because the price is close to the exact amount that budgets out for me in every pay)?
no subject
I FINALLY got back in with my therapist at Mazzoni (which I recommend for you) and recently realized how much my OCD had been effecting me. I'm mostly obsessive; I did exposure therapy years ago for some of the compulsions and had been pretty good about keeping that up and not taking on any new ones. But my mental rituals have always been plenty and lately are waaaay out of control, so that there is constant chatter in my head allll the time.
I know that much of this is probably because of the divorce, but still. It's making it hard to function normally. Thank gods that I have control over what comes out of my mouth, because if everyone heard what was going through my head, I would be instantly committed. My intrusive thoughts have also increased too. For shits and giggles, my therapist and I decided to give me an OCD assessment, just to see where abouts I was in type and severity. We both guessed that my score would be pretty low, especially since I'd had prior treatment. My score ended up pretty much higher than we anticipated.
So, I decided to see what the Mazzoni med shrink would say about my situation, who by the way, is pretty hot, in a older, professor, yet laid back and casual sort of way. He also has some sort of a pleasing accent. Anyway, we talked about how long I'd realized that I had rituals and what they were and he also mentioned how much mine were tactile in nature. Long story short, I now have a script for a drug called Luvox (sp?) that is supposed to be extra good for OCD, obsessive tendencies in particular. I'll let you know how this goes. He's starting me on a super low dose because I haven't tolerated other meds so well in the past. He understands how desperate I am to even attempt this. So, here we go.
Oh, my therapist told me that folks that have OCD should NOT join support groups, talk about their compulsions to others with OCD, etc because we are very impressionable, for whatever reason. It's very common to hear of a ritual and then take that ritual on or have our regular ones flare up something fierce. So, watching that show probably wasn't the best idea. Hopefully, the trich will settle down again soon.
Also, I think that exposure therapy (at penn) would work really, really well for you, especially with the checking, magic numbers, and dealing with the anxiety of not performing the rituals. The fact that you try to not do them is a good sign. They teach you how to get through the anxiety. I think, but I'm not sure, that they do it on a sliding scale.
We should talk in person, about this, and well, life in general.
Hang in there. xoxox
no subject
I think out of everything the thing I need to the most work on and help with is the anxiety attacks. The OCD is liveable, but the non-OCD produced anxiety is what really put me on edge.