(no subject)
Aug. 9th, 2009 03:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertree.
A few weeks ago, I got into watching this program on A&E called Obsessed. Each week was an hour long episode that usually focused on two different people with a variety of OCD symptoms. Some episodes showed germaphobes, one had a woman who was obsessed with/held a phobia of death, some dealt with hoarding. In each show, the afflicted individuals work with a therapist to get over their disorders. Pretty straight forward stuff. One episode, the one I got excited over when I heard about it, was one dealing with a man with trichotillomania.
Beyond the fact that it was acting a man with trich (which is unusual enough), but it was a major channel paying attention to a disorder that gets next to no public attention, so I was pretty psyched to hear about.
While watching it, I realized my hands were getting twitchy and I was practically almost overrun with the compulsion to pull my hair out. Normally, I don't realize when I'm getting ready to do it, or even when I'm in the midst of it. I've lived with this disorder for so long (had it since I was about seven or eight and it's easily the "eldest" of my issues), I've grown so used to the feelings preceding the compulsion, that I barely recognize it anymore.
And this is something I've noticed with me before. Any time I've joined one of the trich support groups online and read the stories of others, I've always felt the compulsion even more than I normally do. So now, I just stay away from them.
I've been studying my state-of-mental a lot lately, in general, in an effort to deduce if I really need some type of medical attention. For a number of reasons, I've never gone through any type of treatment or medical supervision for any of my disorders; I've only been diagnosed. In my adult years, I've always had enough marbles to feel comfortable working and living unmedicated. Meds scare me, so I figure if I can get by without them- so much the better.
But, as I get older, I've been noticing that my illness has changed in small ways and even continues to change. I've developed new small compulsions, a handful in the past year alone, and some older ones have lessened in intensity.
For instance, I now have to push in the deadbolt on our apartment door as I leave. I will wait for people to file out in front of me so I can do it, or reach under the arm of who ever is holding the door open (usually the Engineer). I do this so I can hold a certainty of the door being locked. A few times, I've tried to ignore the desire to do this, but once I got in my car, I would get overwhelmed by anxiety and be convinced the door is still open and someone will go into the apartment and let the cats out and they'll get killed because they are old cats who rarely see outside and the people who went into the apartment will break and steal our stuff and...
Convinced and anxious enough to the point that I will come back inside, unlock the door, push the deadbolt three time, then close the door and leave.
Textures are getting worse for me, particularly with food. In general, most tactile sensations are getting worse. The list of things that freak me out to touch, taste, hear, see, and smell has gotten longer. I don't know what to make of that, other than a vague sense of being annoyed.
Insomnia/hypersomnia has gotten worse. No explanation needed with that.
None of the new ones are affecting my ability to live my life, but they are concerning nonetheless purely because they never existed before. I've never heard much about people experiencing this, hence- my concern.
The idea of pursuing medical attention for my broken brain does not fill me full of joy and song. I don't have health insurance, for starters, and don't have the money to pay for this type of thing out of pocket. I know there are reduced cost programs over the bridge, but all the ones I've looked into want me to actually live on that side of the bridge. The programs closer to home are mostly based in Camden and are for extremely low income individuals. And because I'm single with no dependants, the state considers my yearly wages to be FISH DON'T FRY IN THE KITCHEN BEANS DON'T BURN ON THE GRILL kind of money.
So, what's left to me for options? Responsible self-mediciation and careful examination of my mental status? Rubbing Baby's belly whenever I get anxious (you'd be surprised at the wonders this brings about)? Sucking it up and getting on my company's health insurance (even though this will mean that ALL free money I currently have in every paycheck will now be taken away by my premium because the price is close to the exact amount that budgets out for me in every pay)?
A few weeks ago, I got into watching this program on A&E called Obsessed. Each week was an hour long episode that usually focused on two different people with a variety of OCD symptoms. Some episodes showed germaphobes, one had a woman who was obsessed with/held a phobia of death, some dealt with hoarding. In each show, the afflicted individuals work with a therapist to get over their disorders. Pretty straight forward stuff. One episode, the one I got excited over when I heard about it, was one dealing with a man with trichotillomania.
Beyond the fact that it was acting a man with trich (which is unusual enough), but it was a major channel paying attention to a disorder that gets next to no public attention, so I was pretty psyched to hear about.
While watching it, I realized my hands were getting twitchy and I was practically almost overrun with the compulsion to pull my hair out. Normally, I don't realize when I'm getting ready to do it, or even when I'm in the midst of it. I've lived with this disorder for so long (had it since I was about seven or eight and it's easily the "eldest" of my issues), I've grown so used to the feelings preceding the compulsion, that I barely recognize it anymore.
And this is something I've noticed with me before. Any time I've joined one of the trich support groups online and read the stories of others, I've always felt the compulsion even more than I normally do. So now, I just stay away from them.
I've been studying my state-of-mental a lot lately, in general, in an effort to deduce if I really need some type of medical attention. For a number of reasons, I've never gone through any type of treatment or medical supervision for any of my disorders; I've only been diagnosed. In my adult years, I've always had enough marbles to feel comfortable working and living unmedicated. Meds scare me, so I figure if I can get by without them- so much the better.
But, as I get older, I've been noticing that my illness has changed in small ways and even continues to change. I've developed new small compulsions, a handful in the past year alone, and some older ones have lessened in intensity.
For instance, I now have to push in the deadbolt on our apartment door as I leave. I will wait for people to file out in front of me so I can do it, or reach under the arm of who ever is holding the door open (usually the Engineer). I do this so I can hold a certainty of the door being locked. A few times, I've tried to ignore the desire to do this, but once I got in my car, I would get overwhelmed by anxiety and be convinced the door is still open and someone will go into the apartment and let the cats out and they'll get killed because they are old cats who rarely see outside and the people who went into the apartment will break and steal our stuff and...
Convinced and anxious enough to the point that I will come back inside, unlock the door, push the deadbolt three time, then close the door and leave.
Textures are getting worse for me, particularly with food. In general, most tactile sensations are getting worse. The list of things that freak me out to touch, taste, hear, see, and smell has gotten longer. I don't know what to make of that, other than a vague sense of being annoyed.
Insomnia/hypersomnia has gotten worse. No explanation needed with that.
None of the new ones are affecting my ability to live my life, but they are concerning nonetheless purely because they never existed before. I've never heard much about people experiencing this, hence- my concern.
The idea of pursuing medical attention for my broken brain does not fill me full of joy and song. I don't have health insurance, for starters, and don't have the money to pay for this type of thing out of pocket. I know there are reduced cost programs over the bridge, but all the ones I've looked into want me to actually live on that side of the bridge. The programs closer to home are mostly based in Camden and are for extremely low income individuals. And because I'm single with no dependants, the state considers my yearly wages to be FISH DON'T FRY IN THE KITCHEN BEANS DON'T BURN ON THE GRILL kind of money.
So, what's left to me for options? Responsible self-mediciation and careful examination of my mental status? Rubbing Baby's belly whenever I get anxious (you'd be surprised at the wonders this brings about)? Sucking it up and getting on my company's health insurance (even though this will mean that ALL free money I currently have in every paycheck will now be taken away by my premium because the price is close to the exact amount that budgets out for me in every pay)?
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 01:28 pm (UTC)Have you ever tried Bach Flower Rescue Remedy? It's a homeopathic solution found in health food stores, and it seems to work for a lot of people. You put a few drops under the tongue whenever you feel anxious.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 01:54 pm (UTC)there are actually a lot of other essences too
& you can mix your own combo in a base of a couple
drops of brandy.
i have a little blue glass bottle i carry with me everywhere
for when even a quarter of a xanax is too much.
& as far as xanax goes i firmly believe in it as a perfectly legit med.
i know a lot of ppl abuse it but it gets me thru
situational anxiety when i prefer not to be medicated
24-7 if i dont feel i need to be.
it was the only thing that ever worked for my mom
& her fucking dr wouldnt prescribe it for her cause
he said shed get addicted.
i wish id had the access to it back then that i do now.
are there any private clinics out there you could try to get into for reduced medical care?
i am SO fucking lucky that i got into a good program when i did.
i have no doubt id be dead now if i hadnt.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 01:43 pm (UTC)I FINALLY got back in with my therapist at Mazzoni (which I recommend for you) and recently realized how much my OCD had been effecting me. I'm mostly obsessive; I did exposure therapy years ago for some of the compulsions and had been pretty good about keeping that up and not taking on any new ones. But my mental rituals have always been plenty and lately are waaaay out of control, so that there is constant chatter in my head allll the time.
I know that much of this is probably because of the divorce, but still. It's making it hard to function normally. Thank gods that I have control over what comes out of my mouth, because if everyone heard what was going through my head, I would be instantly committed. My intrusive thoughts have also increased too. For shits and giggles, my therapist and I decided to give me an OCD assessment, just to see where abouts I was in type and severity. We both guessed that my score would be pretty low, especially since I'd had prior treatment. My score ended up pretty much higher than we anticipated.
So, I decided to see what the Mazzoni med shrink would say about my situation, who by the way, is pretty hot, in a older, professor, yet laid back and casual sort of way. He also has some sort of a pleasing accent. Anyway, we talked about how long I'd realized that I had rituals and what they were and he also mentioned how much mine were tactile in nature. Long story short, I now have a script for a drug called Luvox (sp?) that is supposed to be extra good for OCD, obsessive tendencies in particular. I'll let you know how this goes. He's starting me on a super low dose because I haven't tolerated other meds so well in the past. He understands how desperate I am to even attempt this. So, here we go.
Oh, my therapist told me that folks that have OCD should NOT join support groups, talk about their compulsions to others with OCD, etc because we are very impressionable, for whatever reason. It's very common to hear of a ritual and then take that ritual on or have our regular ones flare up something fierce. So, watching that show probably wasn't the best idea. Hopefully, the trich will settle down again soon.
Also, I think that exposure therapy (at penn) would work really, really well for you, especially with the checking, magic numbers, and dealing with the anxiety of not performing the rituals. The fact that you try to not do them is a good sign. They teach you how to get through the anxiety. I think, but I'm not sure, that they do it on a sliding scale.
We should talk in person, about this, and well, life in general.
Hang in there. xoxox
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-10 04:30 am (UTC)I think out of everything the thing I need to the most work on and help with is the anxiety attacks. The OCD is liveable, but the non-OCD produced anxiety is what really put me on edge.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 02:13 pm (UTC)i watch obsessed religiously & i see myself in so many
of the ppl on it.
i have problems with electrical items (touching them,
plugging them in & unplugging them) with worrying about
things on the floor that the cat might accidentally eat...staples, glass, pins etc, no matter that there ARE NO
pins around ever, spelling things in my head b4 i say them...ugh. ok.
i have self medicated in the past - when my mom was dying -
with coke, crack, weed, booze, anything i could get my hands on
so when i wasnt actually @ the hospital, i could close my eyes
& not see that hospital bed with her in it.
i had to shut my brain off somehow.
it was a horrible time to say the least & im sure you know EXACTLY what i mean.
i did not handle it well.
*hug*
thank goodness it was easy for me to stop using very quickly after she died...
altho i found a lot of my OCDs got worse.
same with after poustaki died.
i used for a few weeks & then stopped, OCDs got worse.
now, i have an AWESOME fucking dr who understands that
i do not want to be medicated 24/7 & prescribes
me xanax. i dont take it every day. sometimes i dont
take a single one in a week or 2, sometimes i take a half a couple days in a row,
sometimes i end up taking as many as 3 over a few hrs.
i know the stuff has a bad rap but its good for squashing a panic attack JUST like THAT.
i use BACHS regularly.
i also meditate (in my own way) & try to calm my brain
& my heart.
every single day im learning better how to just deal with my shit.
but if i could get into a good mental health program, id do it in a heartbeat!
you are in my thoughts.
*hug*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-10 04:27 am (UTC)Bachs is something I've never heard of and will have to look more into, though.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-10 04:50 am (UTC)& would be perfectly happy to mix you up
a small bottle to try if you check the website
& see which ones you think will benefit you most.
i just carry the little blue bottle in my bag
& put a few drops under my tongue when i need to.
works wonders.
xanax WHACKS me out hard too.
i can pretty much only take xanax if im home & able to go to sleep if i need to
(unless its a SERIOUS FUCKING PANIC ATTACK & then i have no choice)
believe it or not, i am a very strong advocate for meditation.
i never thought i could shut my head up long enough to do it
& then i realized, i didnt have to do it the way i was SUPPOSED to do it.
i could calm myself however i chose, i didnt have to envision a fucking blue light or some such shit.
so i started trying just to slow myself down just b4 sleeping
& asking the universe to show me my path...
to help guide me & help me realize all the potential
that i know i have. to combat the things that i feel
debilitate me & to strengthen the things i like about
myself.
i know that sounds like some hippy bullshit but its honestly been amazing.
do you smoke weed?
i cant do it @ ALL anymore.
even if im home, i find it makes me paranoid & uncomfortable later on...
like AFTER im not even high anymore!
strange, no?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-10 05:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 02:35 pm (UTC)The cognitive therapy that they do in the show WORKS. I have done it and it really really works. When I did it, I was having panic attacks every single day to the point that I was agoraphobic and homebound. I couldn't talk on the telephone or go to the grocery store. After the therapy, I did not have panic attacks AT ALL, was able to go wherever I wanted and talk on the phone. Even though the therapy was many years ago, it still sticks. After my mom died, I was pushed to the ends of my limits and had a few panic attacks, but was able to control them with the lessons I learned in cognitive therapy.
A LOT of therapists have a sliding scale, even if they don't advertise it. My last therapist was really great and we worked out our schedule and pay rate during our first session based on my income at the time.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-10 04:25 am (UTC)I can dig this, too.
For the past five years or so, it has taken quite a lot to get me to leave my apartment. I don't mind having people over (providing the place is clean), but it takes something fairly big to get me to go out into the big blue room. Especially when it involves being around large groups of people. That's starting to get annoying, particularly when I get anxious about it. When I'm anxious, I can get bitchy and irrational. And I hate that.