(no subject)
May. 20th, 2001 07:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeI always seem to fall horribly short of people's
ideal image of me. I'm not really quite sure
why this continues to happen. I strive so hard
to meet the requirements, to match up to that
damn image...
But, it never happens.
I've been:
(1.) a terribly lax friend
(2.) a disappointing daughter
(3.) a useless, depressed girlfriend
(4.) a cheating, unsatisfied wife
(5.) a lazy drug addict
The list could go on for days. I really only
wrote the damn thing in the first place because
I'm in a list making mood.
I don't know. It just always seems like people
form these expectations of me and I never quite
live up to them.
It pains me, this falling short I do.
Once, a long time ago when I was still living
with Heb and the Voodoo King, I watched one of
those silly talk show "Give your gothic teen
a makeover!" episodes. It was late at night and
I was, at the time, in the middle of a bad
unemployed stretch.
The show put me in tears, how the parents (mostly
mothers) cried about how disappointed they were
in their spawn. How they looked and acted. And
those kids weren't really hurting anybody by
doing the things that they did.
The next day, I commented to Heb about it. I said
something along the lines of it making me want
to call my mother and ask her if she was
disappointed in me, if she was ashamed of me.
Heb snorted and said "Of COURSE she's disappointed
in you." Needless to say, that didn't help
matters much. Bill found me later that night,
curled up on the bathroom floor, sick and
sobbing.
I'm not sure what that little story has to do
with anything I'm talking about, really.
I think one of my biggest problems in life is
that I want to make everyone around me happy.
And I just can't do it. It's not within my
means, by any far stretch of the imagination.
Every time I fall short, every time I fail
to succeed at doing this, another part of me
is torn away.
How much longer do I have?
And why do I even bother, anymore?
I've said countless times that I've given up
on trying to make everyone around me content.
That I'm only going to focus on making myself
happy.
What a crock of shit.
Sweet suffering fuck.
ideal image of me. I'm not really quite sure
why this continues to happen. I strive so hard
to meet the requirements, to match up to that
damn image...
But, it never happens.
I've been:
(1.) a terribly lax friend
(2.) a disappointing daughter
(3.) a useless, depressed girlfriend
(4.) a cheating, unsatisfied wife
(5.) a lazy drug addict
The list could go on for days. I really only
wrote the damn thing in the first place because
I'm in a list making mood.
I don't know. It just always seems like people
form these expectations of me and I never quite
live up to them.
It pains me, this falling short I do.
Once, a long time ago when I was still living
with Heb and the Voodoo King, I watched one of
those silly talk show "Give your gothic teen
a makeover!" episodes. It was late at night and
I was, at the time, in the middle of a bad
unemployed stretch.
The show put me in tears, how the parents (mostly
mothers) cried about how disappointed they were
in their spawn. How they looked and acted. And
those kids weren't really hurting anybody by
doing the things that they did.
The next day, I commented to Heb about it. I said
something along the lines of it making me want
to call my mother and ask her if she was
disappointed in me, if she was ashamed of me.
Heb snorted and said "Of COURSE she's disappointed
in you." Needless to say, that didn't help
matters much. Bill found me later that night,
curled up on the bathroom floor, sick and
sobbing.
I'm not sure what that little story has to do
with anything I'm talking about, really.
I think one of my biggest problems in life is
that I want to make everyone around me happy.
And I just can't do it. It's not within my
means, by any far stretch of the imagination.
Every time I fall short, every time I fail
to succeed at doing this, another part of me
is torn away.
How much longer do I have?
And why do I even bother, anymore?
I've said countless times that I've given up
on trying to make everyone around me content.
That I'm only going to focus on making myself
happy.
What a crock of shit.
Sweet suffering fuck.
