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Apr. 8th, 2004 12:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeSome days are harder to deal with then others, re: cancer. Days and minutes and hours and seconds fly by without nary a passing thought. Until something happens and it all shoots up past my face, completely unable to be avoided. Like today.
At least my boss seems to know that when I don't turn around to speak to her and there's nothing in front of me, that I am most likely crying and should probably be left alone for a bit.
Last night, I made a statement to Stephanie that roughly said I know I am in the exact place that I should be right now. I have the friends I should have, the job I should have, the boyfriend I should have. Everything is running along the currents that it should be, at this moment. I'm not a big believer in karma or fate or anything like that. But I know, deep down inside, that everything going on around me is supposed to be going on. All the things I've done in the past were what I was supposed to be doing and while I think I could have handled some of them a bit better, they took me to where I needed to be.
She agreed with me.
I realize that my mother's cancer is part of all of this, the great and grand scheme of things. And I reckon that I'm supposed to be learning some kind of enormous life lesson from it all. But, the entire situation makes me want to kick over trashcans and act like a petulant three year old who isn't getting their way.
At this point, if I had to choose between gaining some kind of incredible wisdom about life or having my mother back the way she used to be before all of this, the decision would be exceedingly simple to make.
There are very few of you in my life right now who knew her before she became sick. That woman was a goddamn force of nature in her heyday.
I want that back.
And knowing how futile it is to wish for something like that, is what keeps me up at night and strikes me quiet sometimes, when I'm out with my friends.
It's just not fucking fair.
At least my boss seems to know that when I don't turn around to speak to her and there's nothing in front of me, that I am most likely crying and should probably be left alone for a bit.
Last night, I made a statement to Stephanie that roughly said I know I am in the exact place that I should be right now. I have the friends I should have, the job I should have, the boyfriend I should have. Everything is running along the currents that it should be, at this moment. I'm not a big believer in karma or fate or anything like that. But I know, deep down inside, that everything going on around me is supposed to be going on. All the things I've done in the past were what I was supposed to be doing and while I think I could have handled some of them a bit better, they took me to where I needed to be.
She agreed with me.
I realize that my mother's cancer is part of all of this, the great and grand scheme of things. And I reckon that I'm supposed to be learning some kind of enormous life lesson from it all. But, the entire situation makes me want to kick over trashcans and act like a petulant three year old who isn't getting their way.
At this point, if I had to choose between gaining some kind of incredible wisdom about life or having my mother back the way she used to be before all of this, the decision would be exceedingly simple to make.
There are very few of you in my life right now who knew her before she became sick. That woman was a goddamn force of nature in her heyday.
I want that back.
And knowing how futile it is to wish for something like that, is what keeps me up at night and strikes me quiet sometimes, when I'm out with my friends.
It's just not fucking fair.
