(no subject)

Twice in one week, by the same person, I've
been called an innocent. And it's weighing on
my mind because I've never thought of myself
as one before. Well, maybe not for a truly
long, long time.

It confuses me and asking the person who
said it (Orphan) to clarify would be like
squeezing blood from a stone. I had always
thought that I was bad with talking in circles
and riddles. This boy could beat me, blindfolded.

But, the concept of innocence (to me) has
always implied that the innocent held one
major qualification: trust. I don't hold that.
There are so very few people in this world that
I trust. And the ones who do have this granted
to them, they don't have the full measure of it.
I still hold back.

I used to be trusting. Oh, I would trust you
with my soul to the moon and back if you
spoke prettily enough to me. It got me into
a lot of trouble and gave me nothing but
heartbreak.

I trusted friends, who in turn betrayed me and
my confidence. I trusted lovers, who then
would abuse my body and heart. I trusted family,
who proved that they were family in name
and concept, only. I trusted myself. Which was
the worst sin, because out of everyone, I
let myself down the most.

It's such a strange and fragile thing. I still
show sparks of it now and then. Occasionally,
I will still blindly throw a piece of my
heart at someone. But, I always hold some of it
back. I never let the mask down completely.
I believe I'm actually incapable of doing so
anymore. True and total unveiling brings only
pain. And I've enough of that to last a lifetime.
I don't need any more.

So, does that make me an innocent? I reckon in
some manner, it may. I'm not really sure.

Maybe Richard is right. Perhaps I have forgotten
how to dream. I tend to think that it's moreso
because too many people have stolen my dreams
from me.

I feel asleep with these two songs on repeat last night

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
(dinosaur jr.)

I'd like to see you
In the morning
In the evening
But you need a warning
I'd like to see you
It's a last ditch
C'mon you gotta
Ain't sayin' there's not a catch
Well, come on out now
It's the only way
Can't fake I know how
Is that all you're gonna let me say?
I'd like to see you
Don't you miss it?
I lied again today
And now I wish that
You'd believe me when I need to
You should be weary, I would if I were you
Can I come along?
I can't take the strain
Now what else is wrong?
Should I take the blame?
I'd like to see you
In the morning
In the evening
But you need a warning
I'd like to see you
Don't you miss it?
Light again today
Now I wish that...
You'd believe me
When I need to
You should be weary, i would if I were you
Can't I come along?
I can't take the strain
Now what else is wrong?
Sure, I'll take the blame
Come on out now
It's the only way
Can't fake I know how.
Is that all you're gonna let me say?
You got things to do
So, what else is new?
Won't you give me some?
Bring it back for me
Won't you come and see?
You're the only one
So, what else is new?
So, what else is new?
So, what else is new?
You got things to do
So, what else is new?
Won't you give me some?
Bring it back for me
Won't you come and see?
You're the only one
You're the only one
You're the only one

--------

GET ME
(dinosaur jr.)

I don't see it
I won't call you
I don't know enough to stall you
Is it me, or is it all you?
Guess, it's on and on
On a day, maybe I'd show you
But it's the least of all I go through
But the thing is I don't know you
And it's on and on
Trembling words don't make my eyes close
And if anyone but you'd know
I can't find out 'cause it won't show
And it's on and on
Every dream is shot by daylight
And I pray that maybe you're right
But if you don't, maybe I might
'Cause it's on and on
When it takes too long, I lose it
I'll just hang while you abuse it
If you knew, then why'd you choose it?
'Cause it's on and on
You're not gonna get me through this are you?
You're not gonna get me through this are you?
You're not gonna get me through this are you?
Anytime I'm there to show you
And if it takes too long I know you
You're out the door just leavin' me screwed
And it's on and on
Everytime I try to fight it
It's so hard to seem excited
And if you don't
try and bite it
And it's on and on
You're not gonna get me through this are you?
You're not gonna get me through this are you?
You're not gonna get me through this are you?
I don't see it
I won't call you
I don't know enough to stall you
Is it me, or is it all you?
Guess, it's on and on
Every dream is shot by daylight
And I pray that maybe you're right
But if you don't maybe I might
Cause it's on and on

I'll swing my megaphone

Things accomplished today:

(1.) Sleep. And lots of it.
(2.) new mousepad, one with a wrist cushion on
it so I don't damage my tattoo anymore than it
already is
(3.) beat my fear of the creepy laundry room so
I can have clean clothes
(4.) demolished a swarm of ants in my rabbithole
closet bedroom, apologising to them the entire
time "I'm sorry! *sprays RAID* I'm really sorry!"
(5.) accumulated a complete and utter sense of
guilt for not getting home at a decent enough
hour to call Black Death Chris for a hang out
session. I really wanted to go out with him
tonight, too.
(6.) booked a hotel room for the Wee One and I
to wind up in when we get to Wisconsin.
(7.) >:O