(no subject)

I had an episode today.
A bad one.
Unfortunately, it had to happen in front
of Black Death. Not fun.

It came on so sudden, I wasn't able to use
all the little tricks and ploys I've built
up over the years to keep this sort of thing
at bay. Not only that, but I could only remember
the first two words of the Jabberwocky. Not
even the first fucking line, but the first two
words. After that, it was just a blank.

It scared him. Which makes me hurt.
One minute, I was fine. The next, I was curled
up mumbling about being transparent. Twitching.
Staring at the walls because there were /things/
crawling around on them. THEY were so loud in
my head, it was the roar of the Atlantic ocean.

THEY kept telling me I wasn't real. That I'd never
be real. That one day, I would just grow so
transparent that I'd disappear and go away. THEY
were telling me that I was filth. That it spewed
from my pores and stained everything which I
touched. THEY told me that if I smacked my head
hard enough against the wall, hard enough to
make my skin break and blood run, that they would
go away and leave me be.

It hasn't been that bad in a long while.
And it's never happened like that in front of
another person before, either. Which scares,
humilates, and embarasses me. To no end.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I /should/ be on
medication. Despite the fact that taking it
will completely zombify me. Maybe I should try
and get prescribed. I don't know.

THEY are still chattering at me. Right now. But,
it's subsided to a dull murmur. I can handle this,
at least.

(no subject)

He kills me.

Over and over and over and over.

God.

This fucking hurts so much.