ostrich

Well.

I've managed to fuck things up yet AGAIN between
me and Richard. Because I didn't know when to
quit. I didn't know when to let something drop.
I didn't know when to just shut my fucking
mouth and let him talk to me at his own pace.

*sighs*

So. Now all of my preceding worries and fears
have all now become insignificant in the face
of this new worry/fear. The idea that he's not
sure if he's in love with me.

I was trying to be cute. I was trying to make
him feel better about things. He had said
"I wish I really could be of more use right now."
To which I asked "Well, do you love me?"

Him: Yes.

Me: And are you still /in/ love with me?

Him: I'm not sure. I feel detached and stressed and I can't really think or deal with anything lately.

I had thought he would tell me yes, of course
he still was. And I was going to say "See?
You're a big help." maybe with a little
smiley face at the end of my sentence (this
convo took place online, by the way).

I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything
from him. Another lesson to not expect anything
from anybody. Ever. Another lesson to not
trust. Another. Fucking. Lesson.

I'm sick of them. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm
sick of walking around in a constant haze of
pain brought onto me by myself and other people.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I don't know what to feel anymore.

I just want to go AWAY.