For you, I'd be a dandelion

There is grass. A dark and clear night.
No bugs, for once. Which is good because
the last time I sat out at night,
it was in an Indian burial ground
and my legs were eaten
by ravenous mosquitos.

A blanket. My frozen Chai slushie,
which is quickly melting. Cigarettes.
Three candles. An Othello board.

I haven't played Othello since I was
about ten. It's rather simple. Remember
the advert? "A minute to learn, a
lifetime to master." I'm not very
good at stragety, but I manage to give
my opponent a run for their money. The
last game of three, I come very close
to winning. I lost by two points.

When it's not my turn, I stare out past
the bubble of flickering light which has
been created around us. It's strange how
when your eyes adjust, it just seems
like nothing spread out around you.
I can't see anything, not even vague
shapes of the trees and headstones.
How very goth. I smirk. I'm playing
board games by candle light in a cemetary.

I drift, waiting. My mind begins to wander.
It bypasses the pain of the past few weeks
and turns in upon itself. I stretch my
legs and toes, as my feet have fallen
asleep yet again. My ears strain for
the slightest sludgy footsteps and
hoarse heavy breathing which would
have me take to my feet, pins and needles
and all.

Lying back, I stare at the sky. The
stars are cold above me, they do not
wink in recognition. They spin. I
spin. My world spins. Shooting tingles
up and down my arms, racing up my spine
and through my bones.

Over the past year, I have contemplated
so many religions. None have come par
with matching the whirlwind in my
brain. I have studied and theorised.
Read until my mind wept and my eyes
begged for mercy. Le belle dam sans merci.

Are those the wrong words? I don't much
care anymore.

The only thing I can say that I truly
know and have learned on my own is
that I am raw power. I am energy. I
can shape it to my will, if I liked.
I can beg it to follow my whim. This
is my body and this is my blood. I'm
not a paper doll. I'm not a mirror girl, reflecting back everyone else's
expectations. This is my skin and this
is my soul.

I follow the paths that I do because I
choose to. I don't have to listen to
anyone. I never did. And I never will.
You can't tell me how to love, or hate.
Or how to be angry. Or how to be joyful.
This is me. I never forgot who I was or
where I came from.

I am chaos. And I burn brighter than
any star in the heavens.