my heart is full of little arrows

"You're gone from here
Don't leave me here
I hate it here
You're gone from here
Don't let leave me here
I need you here
I need to see you smile."



Sometimes, I truly don't believe that my
head is screwed on correctly. I sat at the
break table today, at work of course,
smoking a cigarette. It had rained lightly
earlier, or else the sprinkler systems had
been in effect. Because there was droplets
of water everywhere and a dampness when you
touched the wood of the picnic bench.

I leaned far over the side, staring down at
a patch of grass. One green blade held the most
perfect drop of water. A circle, never ending.
A sphere of life. A beginning. A birth.

I knew that eventually someone would walk
across it and dispell the perfection. Or else
the sun would decide to come out and it would
evaporate like so many of my dreams have been,
lately. But, at that moment, it was my symbol
of completeness. A sigil to hold the hyeneas
at bay.

I need something like that to hang around my
neck. Something to remind me of why I continue
to breathe. I refuse to let people do it for
me, anymore. I only wind up with my teeth
kicked in.

I will no longer allow myself to become reliant
on any one single person. It can't happen
anymore.

And I'm suddenly reminded of that scene in
"American Beauty" between Annette Bening and
the girl who plays the daughter. "The only
thing you need to know about life is that you
can't rely on anybody but yourself. It's sad,
but true."

Or something to that effect.

I wonder how true that actually is. So far,
I've not been running the best of track records
with placing my trust in people. It always
runs with the same scenes. I'm hesistant. They
convince me, against all my better judgement,
I allow it to happen, I give them my heart
and my trust. And then the coup de grace.

My teeth, lying in a bloody pile of dirt. Another
wooden block taken from the tower I've been
creating since the day of my conception. One
more knife in my back and one more arrow in
my heart.

Can I take much more of this? When will I become
too beaten, too battered?

"I don't know where the answers lie.
But, I try not to get hung up on the questions."

All I know now is that I'm treading water,
with my head barely above the surface.

Oh...

This part of the song always kills me. "Bonfire"
by Lamb. The sequence in the middle with the
strings building up. It spins me silly, every
time I hear it.

There's so many avenues I could take right now.
I've got my entire life laid out and waiting for
me to take the wheel. Too many choices and
I've never been very good about decisions.
I know I want to start attending college again,
this time for mortuary sciences. But, where?
I had thought about Mercer County college,
in Trenton. But, I'm still unsure. I know
that there's schools in Pennsylvania which carry
that course load and a friend of mine has told
me about a college in Toronto which does it,
as well.

I wonder if going away to college is what I should
do this time around. I definitely want out of
this environment. But, as long as I stay here,
I'll be taken care of. To a certain extent. I'm
just not sure if I can take much more of living
with my family.

But, I don't think I'd be able to survive on my
own. Going to college full time and a full time
job to keep a roof over my head and tuition
paid? I went that route before and look where
it got me.

I just don't know what to do anymore.