I used to cry

I don't really know what to say, most of the time.
Me, the girl with the words. The one who makes
people hide under their blankets or cry over
long forgotten memories. I never know what to say.

I cover it up well, don't I?
Sometimes, I talk so much that it annoys even me.
Yammering away like some vacant eyed fool.

But, when it comes down to it, what am I really
saying to people? What am I asking for?

Am I truly asking for the hurt which winds up
being inflicted upon my person? Do I ask for the
mental trauma and anguish? Am I begging to be
stabbed in the back? What?

Many years ago, I was labelled as being "strong".
I'd been through a lot more than what most people
my age have experienced. And my friends and
aquaintences decided that because I survived
these skirmishes, I must be a strong person.

What if I don't want to be strong? I'm sick of
it. I'm so very tired of having to keep my head
held high, the smile on my face. Even if it's
a sad, knowing smile really. What if I'm tired of
turning the other cheek and allowing that sucker
punch?

I don't want to be a fighter anymore. I want to
be weak. I want to be the wailing Victorian lady,
who gnashes her teeth and rends her hair. I want
to be the girl who swoons at a harsh word.
Two words: delicate constitution. I want to be
allowed to scream epithets into the phone long
distance at three o'clock in the morning. I want
to send hateful, psychotic letters. I want my
reply to "I'm sorry for hurting you" to be "FUCK
YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!" I want
to inflict bodily harm upon myself. I want to
inflict bodily harm upon other people. I want to
boil his fucking rabbit in a pot on his own stove
when he's away from the house. He doesn't even
own a bunny and I would never do that to an
animal, but I still WANT. I'm tired of having a backbone. I want people to coddle me.

Why?

Because the strong aren't cared about. People
blithely hurt them because they know that the
strong always survive their wounds. People
think strong people "can take it".

The strong are powerless to change their Fate.
They will always be the one left holding the
car door open in the rain. They're always the ones
who get the door slammed in their face. They are
the ones who get kicked in the teeth and stabbed
in the back.

No one is ever afraid to hurt the strong.