reap the whirlwind

Once again, I'm left not knowing what to say.
My entire life, the whirlwind. I'm beginning
to desire wanting off the ride. The pit in my
stomach has expanded and I can taste it in my
throat.
I wonder what the hell must be wrong with me
that I drive people away in such numbers?
That I can't get a firm enough grasp on reality
and how to act in social situations long enough
to make myself understood?

I don't know.
It's not even as if anything new has happened
in my current situations. It's moreso the
plays and replays which go on in my head.
Constant. Churning.

The day that I wake up and no longer be filled
with self loathing will be a very happy
day, indeed.