How I spent my trip to Florida:

packs of cigarettes smoked: six

CD's listened to: eight

Books read: 4

Times I shouted in frustration because
someone didn't speak any English: 5

Filet Mignon: 4

Jack Daniel's and orange juice: about 10 or so

Times that the scary Italian midget lady elbowed
me, cackling, to make a point: 15

Flowers picked off the ground from my
grandmother's funeral spray because the diggers
were so goddamn careless: 3

Hours spent in Atlanta airport (total): 7

AK-47's seen in total airport time: 12

Times my bag was searched: 0

Movies watched: 9

Headlocks during a sneak attack prayer for my
TMJ in the middle of Goddamn Atlanta airport
by my great Aunt Nancy: 1

Necklaces thought to be stolen by the maid: 1

Necklaces found in my luggage, where I
didn't remember putting it: 1

Maids fired because of me: 0

Stories told to me by scary Italian midget lady: 9

Stories repeated by same person
in the same conversation: 9

Times I mumbled "Fuck you, you cunty bitch"
under my breath to my great Aunt Nancy: 32

Eeyores bought: 1

Soda straws down my throat to impress bartender: 3

Soda straws down my throat to gross
out my great Aunt Nancy: 3