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Jan. 6th, 2002 01:22 pmSunday morning, I have my tea in my gigantic Cheshire Cat mug.
I have my cigarettes. Cueing up Sonic Youth "Superstar" on my
music playing thing on this computer (God, I'm loving that).
The house is blessedly, blessedly quiet. No one's home, but for
me. And the Engineer is still in bed, strangely enough. I'm
usually still sleeping long after he's woken up, but today it
was the opposite way round.
More tea, more cigarettes.
"Don't you remember, you told me you loved me, baby.
You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby."
My hair needs to be pulled back, as it's getting on my
nerves. Something must be done with it, it's growing like
a weed. And I'm constantly finding stray ones stuck to my
clothing. Worse than the cats shedding, I would reckon.
I've been thinking of cutting it all off again, but I know
I'd be unhappy doing that. I was devestated when I cut it
on my return to Goblin Market. And though it's not quite
back to the length it was when I first got here, it's definitely
getting to that point. What a mess. The good thing, is that
I can get it up into pigtails again.
Kate Bush, now. I want to download more music, but I don't
know what to download. Any suggestions? I sit in front of
the computer, searching through the lists. But, my mind
goes suddenly blank and I can't think of any music to get
which I don't already have.
Prompted by recent events, the Engineer and I had a diner
conversation last night which revolved around getting over
relationships and how it is done. I used to be the kind of
person who would weep and wail and rail against the unfairness
of it all, when some stupid boy broke my heart. Now, I seem
to have grown a bit cold to it all. That disturbs me.
Is it callousness in my heart? I don't know. I still hurt
over old wounds, but I let them be (usually). I don't
throw myself back into anyone's life, if they don't want me
there. I remove myself from their existence. Sometimes, for
my own self-preservation, rather than their own peace of mind.
Yes, I still grow sad and wonder what the hell is so wrong
with me that my relationships have always gone horribly wrong.
But, I don't badger. And I tend to keep all of my feelings
on such matters either to myself or written down in journal form.
I'm not sure which is the better way to be. Now, I constantly
feel cold and numb. I've tamped down all of the ugliness
which could possibly spring up to snap at my heels. It stays inside,
where it belongs.
I don't know.
I'm the worst kind of hypocrite.
I have my cigarettes. Cueing up Sonic Youth "Superstar" on my
music playing thing on this computer (God, I'm loving that).
The house is blessedly, blessedly quiet. No one's home, but for
me. And the Engineer is still in bed, strangely enough. I'm
usually still sleeping long after he's woken up, but today it
was the opposite way round.
More tea, more cigarettes.
"Don't you remember, you told me you loved me, baby.
You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby."
My hair needs to be pulled back, as it's getting on my
nerves. Something must be done with it, it's growing like
a weed. And I'm constantly finding stray ones stuck to my
clothing. Worse than the cats shedding, I would reckon.
I've been thinking of cutting it all off again, but I know
I'd be unhappy doing that. I was devestated when I cut it
on my return to Goblin Market. And though it's not quite
back to the length it was when I first got here, it's definitely
getting to that point. What a mess. The good thing, is that
I can get it up into pigtails again.
Kate Bush, now. I want to download more music, but I don't
know what to download. Any suggestions? I sit in front of
the computer, searching through the lists. But, my mind
goes suddenly blank and I can't think of any music to get
which I don't already have.
Prompted by recent events, the Engineer and I had a diner
conversation last night which revolved around getting over
relationships and how it is done. I used to be the kind of
person who would weep and wail and rail against the unfairness
of it all, when some stupid boy broke my heart. Now, I seem
to have grown a bit cold to it all. That disturbs me.
Is it callousness in my heart? I don't know. I still hurt
over old wounds, but I let them be (usually). I don't
throw myself back into anyone's life, if they don't want me
there. I remove myself from their existence. Sometimes, for
my own self-preservation, rather than their own peace of mind.
Yes, I still grow sad and wonder what the hell is so wrong
with me that my relationships have always gone horribly wrong.
But, I don't badger. And I tend to keep all of my feelings
on such matters either to myself or written down in journal form.
I'm not sure which is the better way to be. Now, I constantly
feel cold and numb. I've tamped down all of the ugliness
which could possibly spring up to snap at my heels. It stays inside,
where it belongs.
I don't know.
I'm the worst kind of hypocrite.
