No, I don't want to talk about it. So don't ask.

Smoking a cigarette, attempting to watch some goofy ass movie on HBO, and waiting for my laundry to dry so I can go to bed.

I seem to be stuck in some kind of blue funk. Not very much is effecting me, except for the cut on my right index finger (which occured in a freak, redneck, plastic lid to a coleslaw cup from KFC incident). I don't know. I'm not extremely fond of feeling like this.

I've been turning away when people go to touch me. A hand on the shoulder from my mother, a kiss from the Engineer. I shrink away like it's going to hurt. Everything has become dull coloured and soft padded. My edges are blurred again. I don't want anyone touching me.

I'm seriously thinking about going to the doctor for some anti-depressents when my insurance kicks in. And this, as those of you who know me well will realise, is NOT LIKE ME. I hate mood altering drugs, unless they're for recreational use.

But, I'm so sick of waking up every morning and wondering why the fuck am I even bothering. I'm tired of feeling grey and worn. Sad, for no reason.

And sad isn't even a strong enough word to cover the gamut of emotions I've been running. There are days when all I want to do is bury my head under my Hello Kitty blanket and weep.

When I'm not feeling sad, I'm a raging bitch on wheels.

Why do I feel like this? And what the fuck do I have to do to fix it?

I feel like there's nothing left inside of me.

(no subject)

Headphones. Cigarettes. Downloading music.

I am now getting more techno than any self respecting goth girl should possibly own. And it's making me quite happy.

Sekrit vice, techno. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

I'm especially pleased with happy hardcore. And I found that remix of "So Happy Together" that I heard at that rave which I attended with Stef and Justin (which seems years upon years ago, I miss them so much).