snow

Driving this evening, with the new snow blowing across the road looking like nothing more then Scottish fog. I could almost lose myself in the drifting patterns, in the cold and white softness of it all.

I was almost overpowered by an urge to pull the car over and get out. Lie down by the side of the road among the skeletal winter trees and let the snow build up around my prone form. Covering my hair in bridal lace and clinging desparately to the fragile curves of my skin.

Lying there with my face buried in the night air, headlights splashing my body with occasional illumination, I could find a certain kind of peace. A quieting of the thoughts, the stillness that I've searched for so many, many years.

I reel my attention back from the seas of dream and illusion it was beginning to drown in. Pressing my foot harder to the accelerator, I flee from comfort.

(no subject)

Some of you may remember a few weeks back me discussing some spots which had been found in my mother's CT scan.

After telling her oncologist that she had been getting sick a lot again recently, he wanted her to have another done. She was already scheduled to have one in three months, but he wanted it bumped up a month.

So, today she got the results back.

The "nodule", as the report keeps calling it, has grown significantly. About one centimeter total in width. And another centimeter in diameter. I'm not sure of the specifics right now.

It's grown. Which means that it is very obviously another tumour.
Whether or not it's malignent is the question.

So, she's been told to set up a PET scan and then a transvaginal ultra-sound guided needle biopsy. If it is cancerous, then they're thinking of either trying radiation or putting in a port for more chemo treatments (as her veins just can't handle much more on their own).

MORE treatments. Just when she'd gotten down to the zero hour with only two treatments left. She was so excited at the idea that she wouldn't have to be dealing with this anymore. So happy that she wouldn't have to deal with being sick anymore.

...

I think I'm going to go outside and shovel some more snow. Work this anger and frustration out of my body. Because if I don't, I'm going to inadvertantly do some serious damage to the next person who pisses me off. Exhaustion is the key to my having a calm state of mind.