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Jul. 19th, 2004 04:13 pmI should be cooking or shampooing the rugs right now, but I can't be bothered to get up from the computer. Since my probationary period at work has been over for about a month now, I took a paid day off to wait for the maintenance man (Mitch the Viking) to come look at the Engineer's bathroom ceiling, which has suddenly decided to begin a career in raining. It's been requested of me to bring in pasta and peas to my mother at the nursing home and our apartment rugs desperately need to be cleaned, but I'm enjoying myself far too much right now. It's nice to relax, to be still and silent. I'm not used to this state of being anymore.
I made a very adult decision last night, which was to buy a water bong. On Friday, I'll be venturing to a head shop with the Wee Ninja's Unibomber brother to pick one out. In the name of relaxation, you see. It's all about relaxing. Over and over again I've been hearing the same words from everyone.
Take care of yourself.
You need to rest.
You're running yourself ragged.
You're going to make yourself sick.
Take care of Tara first.
That last statement? When that was said to me, my reply was, "Then who's going to take care of everyone else?" This mindthought seems to be an issue of mine and I realized it the moment the words spilled out of my mouth. Taking care of people is just something I do. It's instinctive. And I've been doing it my entire life.
To an extent, I know this has to stop. I can't save the world, no matter how hard I try. But I can't, in good conscience, sit there and let someone I care about suffer. I've done it, I've made myself do it, I've been forced to do it. And when it comes to a situation like the one I am in, I can't let it go past me. There's no one else to deal with these things, or no one else willing to. They just have to be done, so I'm the one who does them time after time.
Last night, I had a brief conversation with the Engineer and the Unibomber V 2.0 about cutting ties with people who do nothing but suck you into their little whirlpools of despair and about how much I hate and despise cutting ties, how I try to avoid it as much as possible. But, there comes a time when you just have to let go. I recently watched one of my best friends struggle with the same problem. She and her husband had a very close friend (who I was also friends with, just not as closely) who blithely went through life, fucking shit up left and right. They have him one final chance to clean himself up by giving him a place to live, food to eat, a job. And he pissed in their faces. They cut him loose. It hurt, but they did it. Now he's even worse.
I don't know if I would have been able to handle it, if I had been in their shoes. It would have torn me apart, my heart is far too soft.
To be quite honest, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just had to write it all out.
I made a very adult decision last night, which was to buy a water bong. On Friday, I'll be venturing to a head shop with the Wee Ninja's Unibomber brother to pick one out. In the name of relaxation, you see. It's all about relaxing. Over and over again I've been hearing the same words from everyone.
Take care of yourself.
You need to rest.
You're running yourself ragged.
You're going to make yourself sick.
Take care of Tara first.
That last statement? When that was said to me, my reply was, "Then who's going to take care of everyone else?" This mindthought seems to be an issue of mine and I realized it the moment the words spilled out of my mouth. Taking care of people is just something I do. It's instinctive. And I've been doing it my entire life.
To an extent, I know this has to stop. I can't save the world, no matter how hard I try. But I can't, in good conscience, sit there and let someone I care about suffer. I've done it, I've made myself do it, I've been forced to do it. And when it comes to a situation like the one I am in, I can't let it go past me. There's no one else to deal with these things, or no one else willing to. They just have to be done, so I'm the one who does them time after time.
Last night, I had a brief conversation with the Engineer and the Unibomber V 2.0 about cutting ties with people who do nothing but suck you into their little whirlpools of despair and about how much I hate and despise cutting ties, how I try to avoid it as much as possible. But, there comes a time when you just have to let go. I recently watched one of my best friends struggle with the same problem. She and her husband had a very close friend (who I was also friends with, just not as closely) who blithely went through life, fucking shit up left and right. They have him one final chance to clean himself up by giving him a place to live, food to eat, a job. And he pissed in their faces. They cut him loose. It hurt, but they did it. Now he's even worse.
I don't know if I would have been able to handle it, if I had been in their shoes. It would have torn me apart, my heart is far too soft.
To be quite honest, I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just had to write it all out.
