(no subject)

I have such a headache right now that I am pondering clocking out of work, going to the bookstore and buying iced chai, then driving to the park to visit with the ducks.

Yesterday was long. And drawn out. Joanna had to talk me off a ledge the day before because I'd gotten another letter saying that I was ineligible to receive grants or scholarships for college. So, I called the college's financial aid department this time and started asking questions about what the hell was up.

Apparently, I really am ineligible. Why? I make too much money.

This is where I pause while you pee your pants, laughing in disbelief.

I was about ready to climb the belltower, when Joanna came into my office, took all of my course papers I'd printed out, then disappeared back into her office for two hours. She reemerged with new print-outs for a different college. One that is ten minutes away from my house. One where my credits cost half as much as they do at Mercer.

See, I have to take two years of prerequisite classes to get sixty credits to enter the funeral service program (abbrieviated as FUN in all of the correspondence, hilarity ensues). One of the reasons why I'd needed living expense aid so badly was because I'd have to dramatically cut my hours at work to attend school full-time, largely because of the commute. I hadn't wanted to take the prereq classes at a different college, because I'm retarded in a very precise and weird manner, but it has basically boiled down to being what I have to do.

So.

Yesterday, we clocked out of work and drove to the other campus to register me and get paperwork for loans and such. Registering didn't happen because I have to do placement testing and get my loans in order first, but I did get all the paperwork in the world for different loans. I also had a cheeseburger and saw one of the ugliest people I've ever seen in my life. We named her, at least we think it was a her, Torgo. Joanna then spent the rest of the evening at work, attempting to teach me algebra. Which I can barely spell, let alone attempt to comprehend. And I'm really hating having to learn it, because math is my nemesis.

Thus far, Joanna teaching me involves a lot of word problems that she wants me to figure out the equations for, then I'm meant to solve the equations.

A sample word problem, for your enjoyment:

If Tara smokes 4000 cigarettes, which take X minutes each to smoke and she smokes for 28000 minutes, what is the value of X?

We also had:

If Tara has X polyps of a spongy matter on her lungs and 5 times as many polyps of a dense black matter, with the total amount of cancer being 126000 polyps-how many are spongy?

She is a sick, sick girl. I'm not even going to talk about the one regarding my father peeing in the parking lot of our office.

After looking at the sample tests online, I am utterly convinced that I'm going to blow the test out of the water on the English writing/comprehension and get the score of YOU HAVE DOWN'S SYNDROME OMG on the math section. Math is really one of the only things that make me feel utterly boneheaded stupid. For serious. I have trouble with fucking fractions. It's just not how my brain works or processes things. But, she's determined to tutor me into some semblence of passing the math section. All I have to do is get into some credit course, rather then the refresher courses that don't gain you any credits.

At this point, we have all of my classes mapped out for exactly what I'm going to be taking each semester for the next two years. Thankfully, and unlike Mercer, this college has an absolute slew of online courses, which will really help me not have to cut my work hours in such a drastically fashion. I'll only go down to forty, instead of the thirty I had been thinking of. Unless things get ugly, since it's been so long since I've been in school. If I can't handle working full-time and school full-time, I'll cut my hours even more. If I have to.

All in all, while being told that I make too much money to get free college money is kind of funny (in the hysterical, if-I-don't-laugh-I'll-start-screaming sort of way), I'm really rather irritated by the entire thing. Again with the only winning the bad lotteries, I would say. All manner of other people get so much free crap dropped in their laps, it makes my head spin. And then just shit it away, without even a care. Me? I have to work my fingers to the motherfucking bone to get even the tiniest of breaks. And have had to do that since I was a small child.

I don't want to hear about some vaunted nobility of growing up poor and it giving me a better outlook on life. Growing up poor sucked. Being poor now sucks. If I were a lesser person, I would be enormously bitter about it. And that's a thin, thin line that I walk. I struggle, on a daily basis, with not being bitter towards those in my life who are well off. One thing that keeps me together of that is the fact that if I asked for something, they'd try their damnedest to give it to me. Because they love me. And that does a lot towards keeping me away from bitter, let me tell you. It does a whole fuck load of a lot.

Right now, with the exception of any car-related expenses (except gas and registration, I pay those) and having to live with someone to share half the rent, I am completely self-sufficient. The two exceptions to the self-sufficiancy are of such importance that if either were to get fucked up, I would be seriously screwed. Every single dollar I earn is mapped out very clearly, with no room for deviation. And I can't get free money from the government to go to school? What the fuck?

What happened to everyone telling me that because of my age, my situation, and a few other things, that I would have money almost literally thrown at me?

I don't get it.

But, I'm going to get through it. I have no other choice.
Therefore, I have to learn math.

Phooey.