hair and work

I've gotten a little obsessed with my hair lately.

See, I haven't cut it since shortly after my mother died. Not for any particular reason, I just wanted to see how long I could get it to go. Last time I had it cut (by Angel, in our office), it was shorn to just below bra-strap length. Now, about three years later, it's down to my ass.

And being that it's now so long, I'm going to great lengths to keep it in good condition (other than the dying ever so often, that's not ever going to stop). I've bought a boar bristle brush, made out of real wood. I use a wide-toothed comb. I never brush or comb it when it's wet. And I've started sleeping with it in two long braids.

On top of all of this, I started to wash it only using conditioner. It's something that I read about online in long hair forums. I used to wash it every two weeks. My hair is really fine, but that's a lot of it, and if I washed more than that, I wouldn't be able to control it. Annoying, I say.

Washing with the conditioner is awesome, except for the fact that now I have to wash it every two days. If I go longer than that, I can smell my head. This is something which is a bit unsettling and I've become prone to announcing to Joanna about being able to smell my head.

No one else seems to smell this and the length of the hair smells fine. But, I can totally smell my head. And the only way to describe it is that it smells like head. It's disturbing.

I've just done a bit more reading on the subject and I've found that the conditioner I'm using may be too heavy for this type of washing. Ok. And that I should leave it on for like, ten minutes. Ok. And maybe use cold water to rinse it. Gotcha. And that the reason why I can smell my head is most likely because my scalp is currently adjusting to this state of affairs and possibly producing more oil. It should balance out in time.

I told Joanna about this tonight when we were sitting outside, enjoying the night air, and having what is probably going to be our last step sitting nights at work. She snorted at me and told me I was being insane. As I left for my car, she shouted after me, Wash your hair with shampoo!

Work grates on my nerves, every day. I didn't go in on Friday, as I mentioned before, and I came in today to a pile of shitty emails from my boss, who was not in today. I realize that I'm not the world's best employee. I know this. I accept it and I struggle against it. When I make mistakes, I cop to them. However, our organization is full of people who I don't understand how they get their shoes tied in the morning. And a lot of the time, I'm relying on these mental midgets to give me the things I need. Our company is professionally stunted and dealing with that on an everyday basis is tiring. Especially when their idiocy causes me to get called out on the carpet.

I love what I do. I love the cause we are involved in. But, this constant alchemical struggle to turn shit into gold is seriously wearing on my last nerve. Now I know why Angel's health was so poor when she was still working with us. Working for this place was sapping her of her energy to live. The continual fight against the company imploding is just too much stress. Joanna is practically splitting at the seams with joy over the knowledge that Tuesday is her last day.

I don't even have the energy to give examples. I started to write one out, then said fuck this and erased it. The Engineer asks me how my day was when I talk to him on the phone at the end of the day and all I can muster is, "It was long and I dealt with bullshit." I am very swiftly becoming burned out. And it doesn't help that most of the other people in the company are very rarely held accountable for their mistakes because they answer to the CEO himself, but I am constantly put through the wringer. It's frustrating and I hate it.

Combine that with the constant worry of layoffs because of money troubles. I know that if they start laying off, I'll be one of the first on the chopping block from the admin staff. The CEO has already deemed me to be expendable, that much is obvious from the last time they started talking about lay offs a couple of years ago. The majority of the rest of the staff whoop it up whenever the topic is brought up at the lunch table. Hooray for unemployment, right? Fuck that noise. I can't survive on that money. Especially with my brother not currently working. I barely make ends meet as it is. Not only that, but I would go insane staying home every day. Again, especially with my brother not currently working.

I really need to find something else. Tomorrow night, I reckon I'll send out more resumes. At least then I'll feel like I'm accomplishing something.

For now, I'm just going to wash my hair (again) and go the frig to bed.