From a few days ago

[thejunipertree]

I'm sitting in a car this afternoon, listening to the ocean
and smoking cigarette after cigarette. Waiting. I always
get to wait. It's become a prerequisite for being me. I'm
listening to a song which brings me back to my learning
years. The years where I learned what life was really
about, the years I learned about pain and betreyal the
hard way. The years where I sacrificed my innocence
for knowledge.

"I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find the center in you.
I will chew it up and live.
I will work to elevate you.
Just enough to bring you down."

It reminds me of the fact that I haven't touched
drugs in roughly six months. Alcohol has been
a rarely seen friend in that time, as well. I have
never been so clear minded, I've never held such
crystal thoughts.

Sand in my hair, in my clothes, behind my frigging
ears even. It's been a very windy day, but I hold the
smell of the ocean and sunlight on my skin. It's
comfort.

Today, I waded out waist deep into the water and
begged Erzulie's benediction. She welcomed me
with a slap in the face, as is her way. I tasted her
salt on my lips and I smiled. Oya rain blessings
down upon my worthy skull, for I am your child.
And her child. And her child. And his child. And
their child. I belong to all of you. You are my secret
family. And you've washed the filth from my skin
with your tears.

I lift my face into the sun and feel my lips stretch
into a full on grin. This doesn't happen much, I don't
like my crooked, pointy teeth and tend to hide
them. But, I grin anyway. Thousands of tiny
sharp rocks flow against my shins, stinging me
awake. Perhaps I'm not the Dormouse after all.

Today is not the day for singing sleepily in a
teapot.