My Secret Reason

[thejunipertree]

I've gotten it all figured out.
The reason why everyone always winds up
leaving me, why I continually push people
away from me.

I'm defective. And they can sense it.

In the wild, when a mother lioness
senses something is wrong with one of her
cubs, she kills it. Or abandons it. There is
something inherently wrong in the genetic
make-up or a physical flaw. Therefore, the
cub must be destroyed for the better of the
pride. And if she doesn't do it, one of
the other pride members will.

A few years ago, I had a collection of white
mice, saved from a boa constrictor's gullet.
I think there were four of them, total.
Their names were Lucky, G Money, Homey, and
Lazarus. One of them (G Money, I think) became
pregnant and had babies. I came home one day
from work, checked on the mice and saw that
she was moving the babies from one side of
the tank we kept them in to the other. She was
crouched in one corner, holding a baby in her
little front paws. "Oh look!" I said. "She's
cleaning its little head."
Upon closer inspection, I discovered this was
not the case. She was eating its little head.

After that, one by one, she killed them all.
There was something wrong with them and she
knew it.

I have a very distinct flaw in my brain. I
don't know if it's a chemical inbalance or
something hereditary or what. But, there is
something markedly WRONG with me. And that is
why people leave. Or why I force them away
from me.

I'm sick of it.
I just want to be a normal girl.