I should be in bed right now.

[thejunipertree]

But, I'm not.

I'm very close to peeling out over the edge.
Closer than I let on to. To everyone around me.

Tonight, I had a conversation with the Orphan
regarding myself, himself, Richard, and how
he (Orphan) feels that since he could never have
the chance to be with me, then he doesn't wish to
speak to me at all.

I told him this was silly, that why couldn't
he just speak to me on a different level?
He asked "Try talking to your boyfriend as just a friend, with no hope of being with him or anyone."
Then he told me to go away.

I didn't.
Despite how it hurt me to be told so blatantly.
"Now, please. Go away."

I told him of my problems with Richard. I told
him about how it seems Richard is dragging his
feet about being with me. About his obligations
towards work and family. About how I don't think
I'll ever see him again. How I feel like just
another responsibility to him.

I told him that I want to give up on everything.
Not just Richard related. But /everything./

He's offered for me to come out to where he
is and stay with him. That he would help me
crawl out of my bolt hole.

I told him that I would think about it. That it
was the only answer I could give.

And truthfully. I am thinking about it. I just
don't know what I'm thinking. There's so many
variables. So many chances. So many paths that
could possibly spiral out of one small decision.

I need help. Serious help.

And a serious kick in the ass.