(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

The life insurance policy for my mother's car has finally been completed. I made a photocopy of everything for my records and then addressed the envelope, frowning at my jagged handwriting. Sealed it with tape because I refuse to lick envelope glue.

Now it's sitting here on my desk and I keep glancing at it, rather then, you know, PUTTING IT IN THE MAIL LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WOULD.

For some absolute bullshit reason, I'm having a hard time with this.

In about a month, it'll mark the year anniversary of when she went into the hospital for her fractured pelvis and never came home again.

I have to go outside and walk laps around the parking lot for a bit. Need to get this shit under control.

Comments

[rowan-1958.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, and I say this with all the love that I feel for you, and as someone who's been where you are, getting it "under control" will only prove a short-term thing....you need to get rid of it, whether it's by holing up in your bedroom and crying and screaming at the top of your lungs; getting into some form of therapy; sitting with the people you know have been through this and getting it off your chest completely....keeping it under control is wreaking havoc with your health, both physically and mentally. Mail the envelope, do your laps, but let it go. Please....

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

getting it "under control" will only prove a short-term thing....

The 'getting it under control' thing was only based on being at work when I was writing it.

I've been a lot better lately about not holding things in, even though it's usually when I'm by myself. I still have an absolutely disgusting aversion to crying in front of people I care about, I don't know why. Great lengths are taken to avoid it. But, I have been talking about things more.

I won't lie and say that I'm still not holding things back, because I am. But more and more is being let out, bits at a time. Probably not the best way to do it, but I'm not sure if I can go into a full-on share-fest.

I do appreciate everything you have to say on the matter, though. You make me think about things from angles that I didn't previously.

[rowan-1958.livejournal.com]

You know what I just realized? You have dark eyes...like a doll's eyes...hehehehe. I'm glad to hear that you're letting things out, even a little at at time. Every time I hear that you're not feeling well, or you have a headache, I want to come over and get you alone and just push and push until you cry. I know, it's not up to me to mommy you, especially given the circumstances, but I don't like seeing people I care about in distress, either aware or unaware they are. Love you kiddo.

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

Your feelings do not have "some bullshit reason" behind them. You've been through so much, and honestly, you're dealing better than I could imagine myself dealing. I guess you don't have a choice about it -- you have to pick up and go on and all of that, but... goddamn. Things like mailing insurance aren't going to be easy, and I don't think they would be for anyone. Certainly not someone who was as close to their mom as you were.

*hug*

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're entitled to let it out, and to feel how you feel. Don't let anyone tell you you're not -- that's the biggest bullshit on earth. say what you need, do what you must. This isn't easy.

*hug*

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

Thank you, miss-ma'am.

you may or may not like this side of me.

[aylan.livejournal.com]

i'll have to say that i agree with rowan. furthermore, if for nothing else than to stimulate perspective, there is no "need to get this shit under control" unless you have gone mad and have come to believe that you are a poo-pitching primate. i don't care who, when a person loses their own mother, the rest of the world can fuck off. they get to cry and pour out emotion as much as they gotta. i'm not saying the middle of work (i guess that's where you are) is the best, most comfortable place, but if you've got to let it out, do it. i just stuck my nose in here and thought i knew everything, didn't i? it's all just theory, driven by emotion, a protective response...you can call me if you want to unload on a (almost) complete stranger...281-910-1285.

Re: you may or may not like this side of me.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

See, I have two sides warring in my head over this matter.

The one side completely agrees with you about the "when a person loses their own mother, the rest of the world can fuck off. they get to cry and pour out emotion as much as they gotta." The other side keeps telling me to stop being such a fucking baby, that it's been almost six months (holy shit, six months?!) and to suck it up. Her death was so drawn out, that I feel like I should be handling it better by now.

It's not easy finding a good medium between the two. My family is notorious for being rather stoic, I've always been labelled the emotional one out of the lot of us. Watching the way the rest of them deal with this situation doesn't help the inner struggle.

And don't worry about sticking your nose in or how it'll be taken, I appreciate and welcome feedback. Even if it's not always what I want to hear.

Re: you may or may not like this side of me.

[rowan-1958.livejournal.com]

Poo-pitching primate, what a classic line, I'll have to use it. As for the thing about your mother's illness being stretched out, yes, that's true, but now it's not another leg of the illness, she's gone (a fact you all too abundantly aware of). We'll talk later, I just had to stick my nose in one more time. :o) Poo-pitching primate..what a hoot!

[rachieo.livejournal.com]

i know that i can't even begin to know how you feel, but i think that this does actually make a lot of sense, for any of a number of reasons. for instance, when my stepmother died, my stepsister said to me that each thing she had to finalize was making it more real for her...but that she was also scared of the day when everything was totally taken care of. i thought, why? all the things to take care of seemed like they were such a pain, and wouldn't it be a load off to have it done? she explained that she didn't want to be done. as long as she was making arrangements/etc, she was still doing something for mom, and it somehow made her afraid that once everything was done she'd feel the loss more acutely.

anyway, my point with that is that you have suffered a tremendous loss. it is unreasonable to expect that you can or even should go through this with only clear and logical reactions and emotions. i haven't once read anything you've written here regarding your mother/her illness/etc where i thought "wow, tara's completely lost her mind! she needs to get ahold of herself!"...in fact, quite the opposite. i'm glad that you're letting your emotions out in bits. i think it will help, eventually. *hug*

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

she explained that she didn't want to be done. as long as she was making arrangements/etc, she was still doing something for mom, and it somehow made her afraid that once everything was done she'd feel the loss more acutely.


Wow.
That is so completely true. I've just never been able to verbalize it.