Trust

[thejunipertree]

This was brought on by a conversation with
Wee Heather the other night, as we sat in her
car.

Trust is a strange and fragile thing. It's also very difficult to give to someone, no matter
how much you care about them. And especially
in the case of being spectacularly hurt by
others in the past, it's hard to trust another.

To get past your programming is the biggest
step. To take out all of the nastiness which
has been ingrained in your psyche. To realise that
the person you are dealing with today is NOT
the one who stuck a knife in your back so many
years ago.

I have to be one of the most least trusting
people in the world. I don't even fully trust
my closest friends who I've known and loved
for years. Why? Because I've been kicked down
one too many times by people who I believed to
be trustworthy. People who I did know and love.
The ones who took my innocence and naietivity
as stupidity.
I'm still naieve. I'm still innocent, to a
certain degree. But, it's all been tempered with
the complete fear of being kicked in the face.
Again.
When the subject comes up in recent days, I'm
told that I'm loved. That I've no reason to be
scared. That my trust is being placed into worthy
hands.
But, it takes everything within my power to not
retort with "Yes. I've heard this all before."

Because I have heard it all before.
Infinite times.

Things I've been told before:

I'll never hurt you.
I'll never leave.
I will always love you.
You mean everything to me.
I'd never lie to you.
If you left, I would be lost.
I never want to lose you.
I'll only go if you tell me to.
No, there's nothing wrong.
Yes, I still love you.
I couldn't forget you if I tried.

And I, being the sick and foolish girl that
I try so hard not to be, swallow this all with
nary a comment. Not even with sugar to soften
the blow. I take in. I take it down. And I keep
these words to heart.

To what end? I still wind up being hurt. Three
a.m. still finds me curled in a ball, crying
my heart and wishing that the voices would
just SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY.

This has turned me into a shivering wreck.
Into a person who doesn't like to give their
heart to anyone, but still winds up doing so.
Being schizophrenic and having delusions doesn't
help matters any, either.

I could have the most trustworthy person in the
world standing in front of me, offering me
reassurance and love. But, past experiences and
delusions force me to believe otherwise.

How do I get past these things? Will I ever
work through them?

I surely don't know.