disassociation

[thejunipertree]

It's a very uncomfortable day. Wobbly. I feel disjointed. At odds with myself. My head's on wrong. My hands are not mine; the skin is too tight.

I'm feeling everything I normally feel, but it's magnified a-thousand-fold. I'm too sensitive today, to everything around me. Images keep getting stuck in my head, an infinite loop. I read something earlier this morning regarding a cobra necropsy. It mentioned signs seen only in snakes that have been severely beaten. Who would beat a snake? The idea depresses me. What kind of person would maliciously harm any animal? I keep seeing it in my head.

I don't like this feeling, even though I am quite used to it.

If I were home, I would hide in bed with the cats and my cigarettes and some cold tea.

I wish it were autumn. I'd like to go apple picking this season. And see all the pumpkins. Maybe I can convince the Engineer that this is a good plan.

Comments

[chicanerys-muse.livejournal.com]

I as well cannot wait for fall. If you want to go fruit picking of some sort I have no problem planning a trip if the EBD does not want to.


Lemmie KNow.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

I would very much like that.

Btw, have you seen that Target.com has some Halloween stuff available right now? It looks really spiffy.

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD. Happiness!!!! Thank you!

[chicanerys-muse.livejournal.com]

OOOOH No I shall Have to check it out.. I assumed it would be out soon.

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

See, that's kind of what happens to me on the really bad days, when I think I'm not real and stuff like that. Only I feel really, really small. Like a miniature me, and everything around me is just huge and large and terrifying. Apparently it comes with the territory of my shitty mental illnesses. Yay.

The thought of someone beating a snake is really bizarre. How do you beat a snake? I actually was talking to someone on AIM about animal abuse this morning how it just didn't make sense at all, and how evil anyone who would hurt an animal is. But just the physics of beating a snake seems really strange.... maybe it came from someone say, smashing one around in nature, if they were scared/threatened? Something less savage, where someone thought it was a matter of self defense?

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

when I think I'm not real and stuff like that. Only I feel really, really small. Like a miniature me, and everything around me is just huge and large and terrifying.

This is precisely what happens to me. Especially the not-feeling-real part.

Added to that is a kind of motor coordination loss and just general, all-around shittiness.

I'm really beginning to think that I need drugs.

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

Good luck; I'm sick of every cocktail they come up with making something or another worse. The last one they gave me made me feel like I was shitfaced drunk for about an hour and a half -- dizzy, nauseous, sick, and miserable... and then I went back to how I was. Twice a day.

Me: "Sure, when I have 3-4 hours a day to put aside to feel like shit, I guess I can stick with this one and see if it does anything...."

It's ridiculous, what we have to deal with. I have the psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to get a little uh, tense, with him, considering he and the therapist decided to hold back the official diagnosis for months, because they "didn't want to upset me." Because, I guess, all the times I was crying, "what's wrong with me?" wasn't at all upsetting. [Borderline personality disorder, by the way. Supposedly "highly functioning," but still.] I have more than a few questions for both of them, let me tell you.

Feel better <3.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not something that's going to happen any time soon with me because I don't have any health insurance and I can't seem to find any kind of free clinic in the area that would take me (I make too much money, which is hilarious).

But, I am absolutely terrified of the drugs. I've heard so much bad shit for so long, you know? I go back and forth. Sometimes I really think I need something, other times I think I'm basically fine. That being said, even if I don't take any drugs, I definitely think I need a therapist.

Also, "borderline personality disorder"? I had you pegged as that a LONG time ago.

[edwards.livejournal.com]

Ah!

I used to get that feeling right around the same times as I'd get sugar-rushes. There was a sort of detachment; instead of being in my body, I was more telling it what to do and hoping the response would be accurate.

Sometimes I'd pick things up and the force applied would be vastly in excess of that required. Othertimes, my legs would fail.

Diet Coke seemed to be a factor in it, but I can't place why since it has no sugar!

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

talk to me about any drugs the fuckers want to give you. I've got a long list of LOOK THE MOTHERFUCK OUT drugs.

the z, she works for me. but you & i have slightly different forms of crazy.

in addition, i am also pining for the fall.

[edwards.livejournal.com]

People hurting any animal is baffling, but cats being my "button" as it were, I've been increasingly angry/unsettled by the number of reports of people... well, murdering them for dogfighting.

Quite aside from thinking ANY dog owner that wishes to own/use a dog for dogfights should automatically be prevented from owning any animal/breeding/being allowed to voice their opinions/breathing, I can't decide if the increased reports are due to increased detection, or increased activity.

I really hope it is the former.

Why WOULD anyone beat a pet snake? I can, for example, imagine someone in the wild, bitten and fighting off an animal, would probably hurt it severely, but I'm assuming from the context this is someone's pet...

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

I think it's the former, to be quite honest.

As for the pet snake vs. wild snake, I replied to yagathai below with a bit more context of what I had read.

[yagathai.livejournal.com]

I could see a situation when I might severely beat a cobra, you know, if it's me or the cobra. Maybe that's what they meant?

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

No, it wasn't any kind of defense situation.

Here's the quote: She continued to feed well and behaved normally, until just a few weeks ago, when she suddenly developed a severe posterior spinal deformity. Usually, those types of deformities are caused by severe physical injuries, such as snakes being beaten or crushed by heavy objects. In this case, such an injury can be ruled out with confidence, except perhaps some bizarre and highly unlikely scenario of a self-inflicted injury involving her water container.

So, it was't specifically about a snake being beaten, but only mentioned that the deformities found were like that of a snake being beaten. The person performing the necropsy actually believes that it happened because of overfeeding.

I realize there are situations where one would need to fend off an animal attack, but that isn't where my (fractured) mind was going. I just kept seeing the image of some sick fuck smacking the shit out of a snake for no reason.

I don't know. I am incredibly sensitive to the pain of others (animals and people) sometimes; to the point where it irritates me because I turn into some kind of bleeding heart crybaby.

[madamewoselle.livejournal.com]

I got my package in the mail! I am a new BPAL convert! And thanks for the little extra treats :) You're super sweet. Thanks lady!!