disassociation

[thejunipertree]

It's a very uncomfortable day. Wobbly. I feel disjointed. At odds with myself. My head's on wrong. My hands are not mine; the skin is too tight.

I'm feeling everything I normally feel, but it's magnified a-thousand-fold. I'm too sensitive today, to everything around me. Images keep getting stuck in my head, an infinite loop. I read something earlier this morning regarding a cobra necropsy. It mentioned signs seen only in snakes that have been severely beaten. Who would beat a snake? The idea depresses me. What kind of person would maliciously harm any animal? I keep seeing it in my head.

I don't like this feeling, even though I am quite used to it.

If I were home, I would hide in bed with the cats and my cigarettes and some cold tea.

I wish it were autumn. I'd like to go apple picking this season. And see all the pumpkins. Maybe I can convince the Engineer that this is a good plan.

Comments

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

Good luck; I'm sick of every cocktail they come up with making something or another worse. The last one they gave me made me feel like I was shitfaced drunk for about an hour and a half -- dizzy, nauseous, sick, and miserable... and then I went back to how I was. Twice a day.

Me: "Sure, when I have 3-4 hours a day to put aside to feel like shit, I guess I can stick with this one and see if it does anything...."

It's ridiculous, what we have to deal with. I have the psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to get a little uh, tense, with him, considering he and the therapist decided to hold back the official diagnosis for months, because they "didn't want to upset me." Because, I guess, all the times I was crying, "what's wrong with me?" wasn't at all upsetting. [Borderline personality disorder, by the way. Supposedly "highly functioning," but still.] I have more than a few questions for both of them, let me tell you.

Feel better <3.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not something that's going to happen any time soon with me because I don't have any health insurance and I can't seem to find any kind of free clinic in the area that would take me (I make too much money, which is hilarious).

But, I am absolutely terrified of the drugs. I've heard so much bad shit for so long, you know? I go back and forth. Sometimes I really think I need something, other times I think I'm basically fine. That being said, even if I don't take any drugs, I definitely think I need a therapist.

Also, "borderline personality disorder"? I had you pegged as that a LONG time ago.