disassociation

[thejunipertree]

It's a very uncomfortable day. Wobbly. I feel disjointed. At odds with myself. My head's on wrong. My hands are not mine; the skin is too tight.

I'm feeling everything I normally feel, but it's magnified a-thousand-fold. I'm too sensitive today, to everything around me. Images keep getting stuck in my head, an infinite loop. I read something earlier this morning regarding a cobra necropsy. It mentioned signs seen only in snakes that have been severely beaten. Who would beat a snake? The idea depresses me. What kind of person would maliciously harm any animal? I keep seeing it in my head.

I don't like this feeling, even though I am quite used to it.

If I were home, I would hide in bed with the cats and my cigarettes and some cold tea.

I wish it were autumn. I'd like to go apple picking this season. And see all the pumpkins. Maybe I can convince the Engineer that this is a good plan.

Comments

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

See, that's kind of what happens to me on the really bad days, when I think I'm not real and stuff like that. Only I feel really, really small. Like a miniature me, and everything around me is just huge and large and terrifying. Apparently it comes with the territory of my shitty mental illnesses. Yay.

The thought of someone beating a snake is really bizarre. How do you beat a snake? I actually was talking to someone on AIM about animal abuse this morning how it just didn't make sense at all, and how evil anyone who would hurt an animal is. But just the physics of beating a snake seems really strange.... maybe it came from someone say, smashing one around in nature, if they were scared/threatened? Something less savage, where someone thought it was a matter of self defense?

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

when I think I'm not real and stuff like that. Only I feel really, really small. Like a miniature me, and everything around me is just huge and large and terrifying.

This is precisely what happens to me. Especially the not-feeling-real part.

Added to that is a kind of motor coordination loss and just general, all-around shittiness.

I'm really beginning to think that I need drugs.

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

Good luck; I'm sick of every cocktail they come up with making something or another worse. The last one they gave me made me feel like I was shitfaced drunk for about an hour and a half -- dizzy, nauseous, sick, and miserable... and then I went back to how I was. Twice a day.

Me: "Sure, when I have 3-4 hours a day to put aside to feel like shit, I guess I can stick with this one and see if it does anything...."

It's ridiculous, what we have to deal with. I have the psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to get a little uh, tense, with him, considering he and the therapist decided to hold back the official diagnosis for months, because they "didn't want to upset me." Because, I guess, all the times I was crying, "what's wrong with me?" wasn't at all upsetting. [Borderline personality disorder, by the way. Supposedly "highly functioning," but still.] I have more than a few questions for both of them, let me tell you.

Feel better <3.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not something that's going to happen any time soon with me because I don't have any health insurance and I can't seem to find any kind of free clinic in the area that would take me (I make too much money, which is hilarious).

But, I am absolutely terrified of the drugs. I've heard so much bad shit for so long, you know? I go back and forth. Sometimes I really think I need something, other times I think I'm basically fine. That being said, even if I don't take any drugs, I definitely think I need a therapist.

Also, "borderline personality disorder"? I had you pegged as that a LONG time ago.

[edwards.livejournal.com]

Ah!

I used to get that feeling right around the same times as I'd get sugar-rushes. There was a sort of detachment; instead of being in my body, I was more telling it what to do and hoping the response would be accurate.

Sometimes I'd pick things up and the force applied would be vastly in excess of that required. Othertimes, my legs would fail.

Diet Coke seemed to be a factor in it, but I can't place why since it has no sugar!

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

talk to me about any drugs the fuckers want to give you. I've got a long list of LOOK THE MOTHERFUCK OUT drugs.

the z, she works for me. but you & i have slightly different forms of crazy.

in addition, i am also pining for the fall.