(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

Why is my head so goddamn tweaked and
twisted? I sit here and think all my little
thoughts. I meander about, regarding my life with
a frank, pessimistic eye. I brood. I worry.
I whinge. I complain. I torture myself with
dead end possibilities.

Why?

What fuck-up in genetics caused me to be like
this?

It's a bad night, to say the least. And here I am,
sitting at the head of the self pity parade,
waving at the cheering throngs.

I feel disgusting. And filthy. I feel such like
the slime of the earth that I can't even look at
myself in the mirror. Today, I was waiting in the
car for my mother as she ran to get a money order.
Two cars over from me was a boy getting into his
own auto. Realisation flung itself across my
brain. I knew him. Quite well, as a matter of
fact. This was Kevin.

Kevin, who I spent my teenage years head over
heels in love at. Madly, passionately,
obsessively, and hopelessly in love.

We used to be extremely good friends, but over
the years our lives have taken different turns
and we don't speak all that much any more.
Usually, however, seeing one another is the
cause for great rejoicing. We'd fall across each
other with many hugs and laughter and "How've
you been?". I haven't seen him since I left
Philadelphia ten months ago.

So, I sat in the car watching him. And I didn't
make even the slightest indication that I was
there, to get his attention. I didn't want him
to see me. I wanted to be invisible, or better
yet, non-existant.

I didn't want him to see me because I don't want
ANYONE to see me.