Fess up, motherfuckers!

[thejunipertree]

vozhd chewer: ChOmp cHomp

me: howdy

vozhd chewer: I HAVe beeN eEten! sAve me!!!!

vozhd chewer: hAr hAr har speeks thE SPOoKy BeesT!

vozhd chewer: eGaDs! itS alL SPoOKY

me: umm.

vozhd chewer: ANd DarK

vozhd chewer: doES THE dARknESs koNsUMe youR DarK Soul?!

vozhd chewer: or Do yOu wISh YttE DiD?!?!?!

vozhd chewer: egAds??!??!?!!!?!?

me: Only when I listen to Bauhaus in a dark dark graveyard at midnight whilst dressed in blackest black and sobbing over my Ian Curtis suicide note scrapbook.

vozhd chewer: yOU ph33r M3!!!!

vozhd chewer: THAT is SO Dark d0)d!!!!!1!!! Do you plAy vaMpIrE tHE MasquRAde?!?!?

me: I PH33R your sticky caps key.

vozhd chewer: toJjweafkj:

vozhd chewer: me too!!!!

me: All right. Fess up. Who is this?

vozhd chewer: aLl pH33r OV tHeE kApz0r KeY0r

vozhd chewer: yttE yZ tHEE vOZhd ChEWUr

me: And what do they call you at home, then?

vozhd chewer: THe spooKy BeIng!!!

vozhd chewer: CHewER oV sOuLeS!

me: I should have guessed.

vozhd chewer: oV KOurZe!!!!

vozhd chewer: the5E Keyb0rd!!!!

vozhd chewer: it aTtACkS my Dark sOulE!

vozhd chewer: saVe YtTe!!!

vozhd chewer: 1

vozhd chewer: 1

vozhd chewer: Do yoU wYSChE To LEevE mE IN tOrmEnt?!?!?

vozhd chewer: that woulD BEE kRUEll!!

me: whatever wings your wang, sparky.

vozhd chewer: eGadS!!!! dO nOt kAlL ThEe dArk oNe sPaRky Or yOu MeEt DAmnaTioN!!!!!11!!

vozhd chewer: WiTH meeeeeeeeT

vozhd chewer: Yum Yum TasTy meeEeEeeET

vozhd chewer: asddsfgh;'/'[]

vozhd chewer: eGADZ THEE DEMONz oV eturNAl dArknesS aTtACk0Rd My keyboaD!!

me: Do you often do this?

vozhd chewer: Do WhAt? Be my dArK seLphe?!

vozhd chewer: eye aM alwAYz my dARK Selphe!

me: Smoke crack and message people on AIM.

vozhd chewer: YtTe yZ An exPrEssun Ov my tRoO beIng

vozhd chewer: slUrP SLUrP

me: uh huh.

vozhd chewer: tHAt CrAkC tAste

vozhd chewer: likE yOu DTThEe kRACkE tAStE>

me: What is it with my friends that makes them wish to do this to me?

vozhd chewer: no FRenD hEer i Am freNd oNlY tO THeE DeEeMonZ

vozhd chewer: ov my DaRkEsT SoUL depthS

me: Do you know the demon god of cabbage?

vozhd chewer: eYE d00)0)!!!! yTTe yZ my bUDdy

vozhd chewer: we plAy VamPirE tHE MasqurAde On sAtuRdayZ

vozhd chewer: AS

vozhd chewer: I SLURP BLuuD

vozhd chewer: ytTE Tast0rz mYyTiLy

vozhd chewer: yuUum yUUum

me: I swear to God, if this is Carrie doing this to me again...

vozhd chewer: No cARrIe heeer

vozhd chewer: or cARRLe hEeR

vozhd chewer: OnlY THeE cHEWUr

vozhd chewer: thAt IZ aLl SpOokY And pHrIgHtEnIng

me: The Chewer, eh?

vozhd chewer: YeS.

vozhd chewer: You aRe afraYnd, yeS?

me: Terrified. No. Really. I am.

vozhd chewer: aDMIt YttE! i aM SPOooOoOOoOokY!

vozhd chewer: yOu ARe so terrOriFiEd!!!!11

vozhd chewer: rE beEsT!

me: I sure am scared of this Chewbacca person. Yep. This is me. Frightened as all get out.

vozhd chewer: CHewbaCKa? nO cHeWBaCKa HEEerE

vozhd chewer: aLl cHewEr aND sPoOoKy DOOmm sOUl

vozhd chewer: MY SOuL yzx the baLcKEsT bLack ColoUR

vozhd chewer: AnD It is sPoooOky a ND hAs TentAkLeS

vozhd chewer: aNd tHeY want yoUr blooOoOooooood

me: Testicles?

vozhd chewer: VaMpyRik TENtAklEs< nOt teStIKeLs

vozhd chewer: They iS DifFuRNt

vozhd chewer: knOw)RZ yoU nouyHIng

vozhd chewer: ?

me: Oh right, vampire testicles are undead.

vozhd chewer: no tHey aRE StYll alYVe!!!!

vozhd chewer: EagAaDS!

vozhd chewer: ChomPc hocMp

me: So, you're a spooky undead vampire, but your testicles are still living? How's that one work out?

vozhd chewer: aEEAaaae I am sO undEd mY teStIKlES dO Not exYST~!!!!!

me: uh huh.

vozhd chewer: aAaaEee You ae nOW frygThEned bEyOnd belLeEeeEf

me: I can feel years of my life dropping off as we speak.

vozhd chewer: vozhd chewer iS So sPOOOkY tHat thE yeErS Of yOur lYFe aRE adDEd to Mine!!1!!1

vozhd chewer: aeEEe i lIVe fOREhvur

me: Do you paint your turtle black, too?

vozhd chewer: No TurtoLe heEER, I Am tOO spoOookY to hAve a TuuURTLe

vozhd chewer: wAHtsisnaMeSFoOot

me: How about your hermit crab? Hermit crabs are pretty damn spooky.

vozhd chewer: HeeRmit KRAbgeS ArE PAINFUllllL

vozhd chewer: oNe bit Me YEsTurdHAy

me: Especially when they get attached to your testicles.

vozhd chewer: EYe sAid oUuUUcH

vozhd chewer: aaaaaaagh The thOuGht ytTe PaYNEz mEeEe

vozhd chewer: it byttte My pAiNfUL reTiNa?!

vozhd chewer: aNd my vamPYRik tEstikLes!

vozhd chewer: toEBEe ANd LoaBEee aRe mY ToEs

me: AHA! I've caught you in a lie! You said you had no testicles!

vozhd chewer: I lyed, i am so UnDed i mUsT nOT teLl Teh trUUTH oR elzE i wILl spOntAneously kOMBust)ER

vozhd chewer: It iS a pAInphul seeeEeKrIt o v me

me: KOMPRESSOR WILL CRUSH LIARS.

vozhd chewer: I krUsHed koMPrEssor alrEaDY WitH My sPooOookY dOoOm

vozhd chewer: aNd i ate hys BluuUud

me: Spooky doom?

vozhd chewer: anD hEe sAId ooOoOouCH

vozhd chewer: yes..>mY DoOM that YZ so SPooOokY

vozhd chewer: 4

vozhd chewer: nO fouR tHErE

me: I am becoming bored with this.

vozhd chewer: ArE tyOu pRepaReD FoR THe unleaShing ov spooKY DuoEM UpoN Thy eyE??!?!

me: Sure. Sock it to me, baby.

vozhd chewer: you are Bored with ThE SPOooky DEath ov THe eyE?

vozhd chewer: :eXPlodeS SpooKy eYe pain:

me: umm.

vozhd chewer: i musT go noW, pRepaRe To bE In iNteSne pain!

me: You do that. Don't forget your shoes. And all your glasses.

Comments

[zentariana.livejournal.com]

you have scary friends.

[verminefasciste.livejournal.com]

it wasn't me, this time! i was at work! i have witnesses!!!

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

Not my friend!
Argh!

I got another message from them the other day, more of the same nonsense. But, I was in a foul mood and in no way wanting to entertain them. So, I just wrote back. "Leave me alone. I'm in a bad mood."

Haven't heard from them since.