get your adverbs here
Jul. 9th, 2002 03:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeAnother doll worked on this evening. This one is my demented Victorian lady.
She's in a straightjacket with a ivory lace dress made out of the tops of the stockings I wore for my wedding ceremony. ^_^
And once again, no face.
I seem to be stuck on this. I reckon that it's mostly because I really can't draw to save my life and am afraid of ruining the fabric of the doll faces.
The third doll, the wee red creature, is also unfinished. I need to make wings for him and give him a mouth. I'm not afraid of doing this, unlike the other dolls, I'm just a bit unsure as to how to proceed with the wings.
I need to do something with them all soon, as they're more than a bit creepy looking the way they do now. They're all lined up on the dining table (where I do my sewing work), staring in the general vicinity of the computer.
------
Tomorrow I travel to Delaware with the Priest They Called Him for a much needed cigarette run. This should prove to be interesting as we always have novel length conversations when stuck together in the same area for a great length of time.
------
My mother is having difficulty eating, which is causing me great distress. I keep trying different foods, different combinations, but nothing seems to be working. On top of that, she's had the trots and nausea. This is robbing her body of the nutrients needed to build her back up for the chemotherapy.
This evening, I had made dinner and given it to her, only to watch her push it around the plate for twenty minutes with barely any of it actually going into her. I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can, but patience has never been my strong suit. This personality trait of mine is something that many of you are quite familiar with. And dealing with all of this, dealing with her, is definitely a test of how strong my patience can truly be. She frequently is indecisive, especially regarding food, and tends to give me a lot of "I don't know". I've had to walk into the other room to make faces at the kitchen counter, so she doesn't think I'm angry with her. Because I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I want so much to be able to make her well again, and it's just not humanly possible for me to do.
I had driven to her office today to drop off more disability paperwork and spoke to one of my former co-workers, who had been missing me greatly. She laughed about how I was now the mommy, despite all the protesting I've done in the past about never wanting to be a mother.
Hah.
Yeah, now I've got eight kids. Mother, brother, five cats, and one ferret.
Look at me, being amused.
Some days, I think I'm going to snap out and just start stabbing things. And other days, I just want to stay in bed and sob until there's nothing left. There's so much running around in my head and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with all of it. A lot of my concerns wind up making me feel like a selfish cunt, so I don't tend to voice them. Primarily, how this situation is going to effect me attending mortuary school. I know it's not going to be in the fall, like I'd originally planned. But, am I ever going to make it all?
At this point, I can't even accept a job if one was even offered to me because I need to be home to take care of her. She made a joke about it the other day, to try and bring some levity to the situation. September is the doctor's appointed time for her being able to return to work, so she had commented that in September is when she's going to start nagging me about returning to work.
I feel stifled, and then shitty for feeling stifled. At this rate, I'm fairly sure I can't make the drive to Wisconsin at the end of the month (*cry*) and I'm not even 100% sure if I can make the Horrorfind Con at the end of August. Which is doubly shitty, because I'll still have to pay for my part of the room if I can't go because Heb put everything on her credit card and she's hurting for money just as bad as everyone else right now.
Here's my plan:
(1.) get a shovel.
(2.) dig a deep hole.
(3.) stick my head in it.
(4.) lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
She's in a straightjacket with a ivory lace dress made out of the tops of the stockings I wore for my wedding ceremony. ^_^
And once again, no face.
I seem to be stuck on this. I reckon that it's mostly because I really can't draw to save my life and am afraid of ruining the fabric of the doll faces.
The third doll, the wee red creature, is also unfinished. I need to make wings for him and give him a mouth. I'm not afraid of doing this, unlike the other dolls, I'm just a bit unsure as to how to proceed with the wings.
I need to do something with them all soon, as they're more than a bit creepy looking the way they do now. They're all lined up on the dining table (where I do my sewing work), staring in the general vicinity of the computer.
------
Tomorrow I travel to Delaware with the Priest They Called Him for a much needed cigarette run. This should prove to be interesting as we always have novel length conversations when stuck together in the same area for a great length of time.
------
My mother is having difficulty eating, which is causing me great distress. I keep trying different foods, different combinations, but nothing seems to be working. On top of that, she's had the trots and nausea. This is robbing her body of the nutrients needed to build her back up for the chemotherapy.
This evening, I had made dinner and given it to her, only to watch her push it around the plate for twenty minutes with barely any of it actually going into her. I'm trying to be as patient as I possibly can, but patience has never been my strong suit. This personality trait of mine is something that many of you are quite familiar with. And dealing with all of this, dealing with her, is definitely a test of how strong my patience can truly be. She frequently is indecisive, especially regarding food, and tends to give me a lot of "I don't know". I've had to walk into the other room to make faces at the kitchen counter, so she doesn't think I'm angry with her. Because I'm not. I'm just frustrated. I want so much to be able to make her well again, and it's just not humanly possible for me to do.
I had driven to her office today to drop off more disability paperwork and spoke to one of my former co-workers, who had been missing me greatly. She laughed about how I was now the mommy, despite all the protesting I've done in the past about never wanting to be a mother.
Hah.
Yeah, now I've got eight kids. Mother, brother, five cats, and one ferret.
Look at me, being amused.
Some days, I think I'm going to snap out and just start stabbing things. And other days, I just want to stay in bed and sob until there's nothing left. There's so much running around in my head and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with all of it. A lot of my concerns wind up making me feel like a selfish cunt, so I don't tend to voice them. Primarily, how this situation is going to effect me attending mortuary school. I know it's not going to be in the fall, like I'd originally planned. But, am I ever going to make it all?
At this point, I can't even accept a job if one was even offered to me because I need to be home to take care of her. She made a joke about it the other day, to try and bring some levity to the situation. September is the doctor's appointed time for her being able to return to work, so she had commented that in September is when she's going to start nagging me about returning to work.
I feel stifled, and then shitty for feeling stifled. At this rate, I'm fairly sure I can't make the drive to Wisconsin at the end of the month (*cry*) and I'm not even 100% sure if I can make the Horrorfind Con at the end of August. Which is doubly shitty, because I'll still have to pay for my part of the room if I can't go because Heb put everything on her credit card and she's hurting for money just as bad as everyone else right now.
Here's my plan:
(1.) get a shovel.
(2.) dig a deep hole.
(3.) stick my head in it.
(4.) lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-09 06:58 am (UTC)i'm sorry things are so hard right now... but at least you're doing something creative with the time... like the dollies. which sound gorgeous... can you take pics? i'd love to see them.
i'm going to plot a trip down to philly with the boy-thing. it may not be all you had planned, but we'll sweep you away for an afternoon, at the least. *hugs*