grassy knoll
Jul. 15th, 2002 01:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeThis morning was horrible and coloured the rest of my day.
At about ten in the morning, I was woken up by my mother calling to me from the bathroom. How I heard it, I'll never know. My doors were shut and my fan was running, it's next to being soundproof when it's like that. But, I heard her and was immediately up and running.
She was naked, still wet from the shower, and sobbing. True sobbing, the kind that most people don't ever experience. Shaking violently from the spasms. She managed to tell me that she started to black out in the shower. And that no one could hear her, my brother and I were both still in bed. She thought she was dreaming and everything had swam around her. And she had been so afraid that she was going to fall.
I put my arms around her and cried. Cried out of fear, because I'd never seen her cry like this before or heard her voice sound so plaintive and scared. And scared because of what could have potentially happened to her. And because I felt so guilty that I hadn't heard her calling for me when it first happened.
I'm supposed to be taking care of her and /this/ happens? I felt so unworthy and disgusting, a bad daughter. A wretched caretaker. A failure.
She began to cry even harder when she saw how shaken I was. Repeating over and over how sorry she was for scaring me and for waking me up, when I've been so unable to sleep lately.
I got her dried off, dressed in a clean nightgown and robe.
I'm still shaken by the entire episode. A foul mood has surrounded me for the remainder of the day, which I can not shake not for lack of trying.
To make matters worse, I read a message last night on a cancer support newsgroup that I'm subscribed to that cut me to the quick. It talked about how the cancer treatment industry is basically a load of bollocks. How it does nothing but kill the patient even quicker than the actual disease does. It listed statistics and all manner of things to back up these claims. And it talked about how chemotherapy was basically just poison given to a patient in an effort to bring about more money for the industry.
I know it's most likely spam, but it hawked some book at the end of it. But, it is /so/ not what I need to be reading right now. It's scary, everything that it spoke of. And when you're a paranoid freak, like I am, it puts too many images into one's brain.
My brain.
Which is now awash with so much muckity muck that it's not even funny.
I need a new tinfoil hat.
At about ten in the morning, I was woken up by my mother calling to me from the bathroom. How I heard it, I'll never know. My doors were shut and my fan was running, it's next to being soundproof when it's like that. But, I heard her and was immediately up and running.
She was naked, still wet from the shower, and sobbing. True sobbing, the kind that most people don't ever experience. Shaking violently from the spasms. She managed to tell me that she started to black out in the shower. And that no one could hear her, my brother and I were both still in bed. She thought she was dreaming and everything had swam around her. And she had been so afraid that she was going to fall.
I put my arms around her and cried. Cried out of fear, because I'd never seen her cry like this before or heard her voice sound so plaintive and scared. And scared because of what could have potentially happened to her. And because I felt so guilty that I hadn't heard her calling for me when it first happened.
I'm supposed to be taking care of her and /this/ happens? I felt so unworthy and disgusting, a bad daughter. A wretched caretaker. A failure.
She began to cry even harder when she saw how shaken I was. Repeating over and over how sorry she was for scaring me and for waking me up, when I've been so unable to sleep lately.
I got her dried off, dressed in a clean nightgown and robe.
I'm still shaken by the entire episode. A foul mood has surrounded me for the remainder of the day, which I can not shake not for lack of trying.
To make matters worse, I read a message last night on a cancer support newsgroup that I'm subscribed to that cut me to the quick. It talked about how the cancer treatment industry is basically a load of bollocks. How it does nothing but kill the patient even quicker than the actual disease does. It listed statistics and all manner of things to back up these claims. And it talked about how chemotherapy was basically just poison given to a patient in an effort to bring about more money for the industry.
I know it's most likely spam, but it hawked some book at the end of it. But, it is /so/ not what I need to be reading right now. It's scary, everything that it spoke of. And when you're a paranoid freak, like I am, it puts too many images into one's brain.
My brain.
Which is now awash with so much muckity muck that it's not even funny.
I need a new tinfoil hat.
