grassy knoll
Jul. 15th, 2002 01:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeThis morning was horrible and coloured the rest of my day.
At about ten in the morning, I was woken up by my mother calling to me from the bathroom. How I heard it, I'll never know. My doors were shut and my fan was running, it's next to being soundproof when it's like that. But, I heard her and was immediately up and running.
She was naked, still wet from the shower, and sobbing. True sobbing, the kind that most people don't ever experience. Shaking violently from the spasms. She managed to tell me that she started to black out in the shower. And that no one could hear her, my brother and I were both still in bed. She thought she was dreaming and everything had swam around her. And she had been so afraid that she was going to fall.
I put my arms around her and cried. Cried out of fear, because I'd never seen her cry like this before or heard her voice sound so plaintive and scared. And scared because of what could have potentially happened to her. And because I felt so guilty that I hadn't heard her calling for me when it first happened.
I'm supposed to be taking care of her and /this/ happens? I felt so unworthy and disgusting, a bad daughter. A wretched caretaker. A failure.
She began to cry even harder when she saw how shaken I was. Repeating over and over how sorry she was for scaring me and for waking me up, when I've been so unable to sleep lately.
I got her dried off, dressed in a clean nightgown and robe.
I'm still shaken by the entire episode. A foul mood has surrounded me for the remainder of the day, which I can not shake not for lack of trying.
To make matters worse, I read a message last night on a cancer support newsgroup that I'm subscribed to that cut me to the quick. It talked about how the cancer treatment industry is basically a load of bollocks. How it does nothing but kill the patient even quicker than the actual disease does. It listed statistics and all manner of things to back up these claims. And it talked about how chemotherapy was basically just poison given to a patient in an effort to bring about more money for the industry.
I know it's most likely spam, but it hawked some book at the end of it. But, it is /so/ not what I need to be reading right now. It's scary, everything that it spoke of. And when you're a paranoid freak, like I am, it puts too many images into one's brain.
My brain.
Which is now awash with so much muckity muck that it's not even funny.
I need a new tinfoil hat.
At about ten in the morning, I was woken up by my mother calling to me from the bathroom. How I heard it, I'll never know. My doors were shut and my fan was running, it's next to being soundproof when it's like that. But, I heard her and was immediately up and running.
She was naked, still wet from the shower, and sobbing. True sobbing, the kind that most people don't ever experience. Shaking violently from the spasms. She managed to tell me that she started to black out in the shower. And that no one could hear her, my brother and I were both still in bed. She thought she was dreaming and everything had swam around her. And she had been so afraid that she was going to fall.
I put my arms around her and cried. Cried out of fear, because I'd never seen her cry like this before or heard her voice sound so plaintive and scared. And scared because of what could have potentially happened to her. And because I felt so guilty that I hadn't heard her calling for me when it first happened.
I'm supposed to be taking care of her and /this/ happens? I felt so unworthy and disgusting, a bad daughter. A wretched caretaker. A failure.
She began to cry even harder when she saw how shaken I was. Repeating over and over how sorry she was for scaring me and for waking me up, when I've been so unable to sleep lately.
I got her dried off, dressed in a clean nightgown and robe.
I'm still shaken by the entire episode. A foul mood has surrounded me for the remainder of the day, which I can not shake not for lack of trying.
To make matters worse, I read a message last night on a cancer support newsgroup that I'm subscribed to that cut me to the quick. It talked about how the cancer treatment industry is basically a load of bollocks. How it does nothing but kill the patient even quicker than the actual disease does. It listed statistics and all manner of things to back up these claims. And it talked about how chemotherapy was basically just poison given to a patient in an effort to bring about more money for the industry.
I know it's most likely spam, but it hawked some book at the end of it. But, it is /so/ not what I need to be reading right now. It's scary, everything that it spoke of. And when you're a paranoid freak, like I am, it puts too many images into one's brain.
My brain.
Which is now awash with so much muckity muck that it's not even funny.
I need a new tinfoil hat.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
baby.
Date: 2002-07-14 10:50 pm (UTC)you're so beautiful, tara. i love you very much.
--
and don't let klaatu get to you, yo. besides, they haven't made tin foil since before you and i were born. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-14 11:17 pm (UTC)it's easy to be cynical when we all know about corporate greed. and it's really scary that the medical business -is- a business at heart.
but with that said... you have to cling to the scraps of humanity, if ONLY because of this: just think of the class action lawsuits that would ensue in a SPLIT SECOND if cancer treatments were *really* meant to rip off patients and their families.
they might LIKE to be ripping you off. but they'd get their pants sued off if it went -too- rampant, you know? this is a very skeptical society. it would come out in the wash.
people -do- survive cancer... frequently! you have to have faith. medical technology really is amazing - whether it's profit-driven or altruistic in origin, the bottom line is that generally it WORKS.
please don't believe the lone asshole who's just trying to sell their X-Files wannabe conspiracy claptrap.
*HUGS*
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-15 09:39 am (UTC)one, you -did- hear her and when you did, you ran to her. you are a great daughter.
two, chemo saves lives. not everyone can be saved and maybe someone who wrote that lost a love one who wasn't treatable or who the treatments didn't work on. maybe they're just assholes who know that people are very vunerable at that time and enjoy causing pain.
i've known more than a few people who went through it and survived their cancer. i know one who it didn't work for. it prolonged his life, but didn't cure.
don't listen to the assholes. you don't need that right now.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-15 10:03 am (UTC)You talk about corporate greed and then you sre swayed by some email by a jackass trying to use your fears to sell his book. I fear INDIVIDUAL greed, corporations are the embodyment of greed but they have the ethics of consumer pressure. Do you really think any company wants to be Enron? Survival is the key to making money.
I feel for you. I wish there was a way.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-15 10:20 am (UTC)call or IM or e-mail me if you need to unload. I went through Cancer ehen I
was 20, and I know it's not an easy thing. I'm here for you, OK ?
*big hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-16 03:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-07-17 10:05 pm (UTC)Do I know you?