Sword of Damocles

[thejunipertree]

Richard and I have decided to "see other people".

The kiss of death, if you ask me.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this, just
yet. He thinks that backing off a bit will help
clear our heads and help us not be so depressed
and miserable all the time. Perhaps it will.
Perhaps it won't.

I'm still convinced that in a few months time,
I'll be nothing more than a painful, sad memory.
Yet another psycho ex who has a hard time
letting go.

I don't really know what to do.

He's also been talking about inviting someone
to stay with him for a bit this summer, so he's
not so lonely. He asked me what I thought I would
do if he "misbehaved". My answer was that I would
forgive him, as I recognise the fact that he's
only human and terribly lonely for human contact.
He told me that he almost wished I'd said I'd
never speak to him again if something like that
happened, as it would stop him from commiting
the actual act for fear of me removing myself
from his life.

This bothers me as I've always felt that in
a relationship, you stayed faithful to the
person not because of fear that would leave you,
not because you didn't want to hurt them, not
because you have respect for them. But, because
you /love/ them.

So, I can't win on anything apparently. Tell
him "Yes, I'd forgive you." as I'm trying to be
a sweet, understanding girlfriend and I get
shafted. Tell him "No, I'd never speak to you
ever again." as a psycho, controlling girlfriend
and I get shafted.

*sighs*

In an email which I received yesterday, he wrote
that since we've made this decision, he feels
a lot better. That before, he felt as if he
were in a room, with a locked door. And now
that the door is unlocked, it makes him happier.
Even if he has no intention of going through
the door or even peeping through it, knowing
that it's unlocked is a benefit.

I don't care for that analogy very much. He
says he's just bad at making analogies and
wasn't saying what he wanted to say correctly.

Not knowing what to think anymore, terribly
confused, and hurting more than I can even
begin to describe. That's me, in a nutshell.