(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

Do you know how moths kamikaze themselves
against light sources? How they bang themselves
against the glass, over and over and over?

That's me.

Only my source of light is actually pain.
And I throw myself at it constantly. To the
point I am exhausted and battered. Slightly
broken.

Broken. Why would anybody want something that
is so damaged? I'm defective to begin with,
but now I'm also damaged. Why the HELL would
anybody want to even come within six feet of me?

I'm loved. I'm told that I'm loved constantly.

And I don't believe him. Not really. Why would
you put someone you alledgely love so much
through all of this pain? Why would you sit
and listen to what they say would kill them
and then blithely go about doing it? How
the FUCK does that make any sense?

I'm resigned to the fact that things are
slowly doing down the drain. That I will be
kicked to the side of the road come August,
at the very least. That history is, yes indeed,
repeating itself. Just like I always said it
would.

I don't care anymore. I don't. I'm so sick
of being hurt and going through my days like
the walking wounded. I'm tired of being the
object of anger and disappointment because I
express how I feel. And I'm heartily sick of
placation and lies.

Fuck this.