(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

I finally was able to speak to the oncologist today, after four days of playing phone tag.

And it comes down to this:

He doesn't recommend my mom go through chemo. She's far too weak and going through too many things, the chemo would be too much on her system.

The suggestion is to have her put on hospice care, as soon as she gets out of the hospital. And that maybe with their care, she can be built back up enough in time for chemo. But, he truly believes that all of this (meaning everything going on right now) is just prolonging her pain.

...

I took this news rather well, all things considered. Then, I hung up the phone and commenced losing my shit in my office.

No one else knows yet, either.
And, as always, it is up to me to be the messenger.

I don't know what to do. I don't know when I should tell her, or even if it should be ME who tells her. I don't know how to tell anybody else, like my brother. I also don't know if telling my mother about this would actually make her WORSE. Like, hearing this news would make her finally give up? I don't know.

There is a small chance that her going on hospice would build her up enough for chemo, after she recovers from this hospital stay. But, from the way everything is seeming right now (and granted, I haven't been to hospital yet today), it just appears that it's all too much for her system to take. And even if hospice does do what we want it to do for her, we don't actually have all that much time to accomplish it in.

It's all so fucked up.

And thinking about all of this right now, as I'm writing this entry, I've realized that I would much rather have someone I love die very quickly and suddenly, then have to go through this drawn out ordeal. Every day, watching her go further and further away.

I remember a scene in some television program, maybe Six Feet Under, where a woman's father had died of cancer. And she was commenting to another character that "watching someone die of cancer is like watching the ocean wash them away. Every day the waves come up and take away another little bit of them."

It's true. So fucking true.

I have to go now. I can't type anymore.

Comments

[sxxx.livejournal.com]

Im sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. *hug*

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

God, I am so sorry.... I wish I had something to say, but I know there is nothing anyone can really say. I went through this with my grandmother, and I know it's not easy. No, it's the hardest thing you'll probably ever have to deal with. And I'm sorry.

You, and your mom, and your family are in my thoughts. If there is anything I can do, let me know. *hug*

[muridae.livejournal.com]

I know, it's true and it's fucked up and it majorly fucking sucks. I am so sorry that you are going through this and wish there was something, just some way, to make it better.

Is there anything I can do for you?

[neenerface.livejournal.com]

Nothing I could say could make it any easier on you. I can tell you that you're doing a wonderful job at handling all this. Additonally if there is anything at all I can do just let me know. We're not overly close but I am local and I do care about you.

[death4breakfast.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. ::hugs::

If there's anything that I can do, let me know, okay?

[missjanette.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

I'm so sorry, my dear.
You shouldn't have to deal with this.

It's possible the news would make her give up, but it's also possible it will make her fight more. Or it will allow her to make her peace & live the best way she can in the time she has left.

I really don't know what to say. I don't know what comes next.

But know that I love you & I am thinking of you & yours.
& if you need to get away or anything else I can give you, my door is always open.

[vivaemptiness.livejournal.com]

honey, i wish i could do something to save the day, i wish there was some magical miracle answer. i will keep wishing. it's so fucking cruel and not fair at all. thinking of you.

[rowan-1958.livejournal.com]

No one should have to go through this, not your mom, not you, not my dad, not me, no one, but we do....In my opinion I think the doctor should tell your mother, because she deserves to know what's going with her life, and she deserves to make her decisions based on what's going on inside her...it's her life and as much as it will hurt you to see her give up, if that's what she chooses to do, you have to honor that and help her through it. However, I think your mom's a scrapper and she'll fight as long as there's fight left in her, just like my dad did. Hopsice is an excellent idea, and it will help take some of the burden off you. Hon, I watched my dad die a little each day, from the chemo, from the radiation and from the fucking cancer and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I know what you're feeling and you know that I'm here for you....

[padmaclynne.livejournal.com]

i agree with rowan. even if it makes her give up, i thnk your mother should know.

however, i have no right to any opinion about this.

just my thought. and i pray it goes the best it can.

[dartsdelight.livejournal.com]

Much love and tenderness being sent your way -I hope that a silver lining finds itself among your clouds.

[mrbadluck.livejournal.com]

pookie im so sorry i wish i could make it better.
if there is anything i can do let me know

[aprilrobin.livejournal.com]

Miss,

I just wanted you to know that I have come to a conclusion.
After seeing you last night and witnessing everything and seeing your current MO, I have determined that you are the toughest chick I know.

[boringjuliana.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you, Tara, from all I've read and everything I know of you, you are hands down one of the strongest people I know. Fred said it earlier, if there is anything you need let us/him know.

[madamewoselle.livejournal.com]

I haven't got any good advice for you, honey, but remember that some stranger in the middle of Pennsylvania is thinking of you and remembering you and your family in her prayers. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman, and she will always be with you, no matter what.

[digichrist.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

Thank you, mister.

I just went to your journal, to see how you've been, and I see some talk about losing it and almost deleting your journal and such like. Is everything okay? Email me, if you don't want it discussed here.

dellamortedellamore @ earthlink . net

[babyraven.livejournal.com]

Saying "I'm sorry" never seems sufficient in situations like this -- but I am. If I were a religious person, I'd pray for your family, but as it is all I can do is send my most positive thoughts your way. Hang in there, and know that people care...

IMPORTANT!!!

[rowan-1958.livejournal.com]

Word from a few of the freeholder assistants here in Gloucester County (they're buying candles, so that's how they know about your mom) is that you should call "First Call for Help" @ 211. It's like a 411 of social services, and they say it's a good method to use. Also, they've said if you get a name of someone like a case worker at Camden County Social Services, we can get someone in our county to put some weight on them to try to get things through. There's also an emergency housing number that one of them is going to try to find, if it's not on the "211" helpline for emergency rental assistance. Again, I don't know what you'd qualify for, given the circumstances, but it's worth a try....let me know how it works out and if you get a name from CCSS.