(no subject)

Why am I still awake?

Oh...that's right.

Because I am a fool.

I am the captain of my pain.

I've been so damned dehydrated lately. Drink
and drink and drink and drink. But, nothing
seems to work.
Sort of a metaphor for my life, I suppose?
Maybe it has more to do with all the caffiene
and cigarettes that I take in. Nicotine is
a dehydrator. So is caffiene. That's most likely
the main cause of the problem.

And I'm terribly cranky this morning (afternoon).
I was up until about five in the morning, after
talking to the Orphan online. Conversation was
once again a massive failure, due to my own
shortcomings.

Hello Kitty Has No Mouth.

This is the best link in the world:

http://greenet.com/~brion/hellokitty/

I'd rather be the Queen of Spain.

According to this:

http://www.cmi-lmi.com/cgi-bin/king5.cgi

I am this:

Your distinct personality, The Benevolent Ruler might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You are the idealistic social
dreamer. Your overriding goal is to solve the people problems of your world. You are a social reformer who wants everyone to be happy in a
world that you can visualize. You are exceptionally perceptive about the
woes and needs of humankind. You often have the understanding and skill to readily conceive and implement the solutions to your perceptions. On
the positive side, you are creatively persuasive, charismatic and ideologically concerned. On the negative side, you may be unrealistically sentimental, scattered and impulsive, as well as
deviously manipulative. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Ummmm...okay.

It's all so quiet.

I burned my thumb quite badly not that long ago
as I was cooking dinner. I also managed to throw
half of my own plate out when no one was looking,
because I truly haven't felt like eating in the
past week and a half. Usually, I'll force it down
because if I don't, I'm given thirty three shades
of hell. Today was different.

Pensive and lonely have been colouring me all day.
This seems to be a trend that doesn't have
a foreseeable stop. Wishing for it to stop doesn't
produce any results. Nor does slapping on the
happy mask. I've decided to just stop pretending.
To everyone. I'm sick of the falseness. I'm tired
of the illusion.

Speaking of illusion, the Orphan was under one
that I was someone else. I'm not quite sure if
he's still believing this, but I've done my best
to disprove the theory. It makes me laugh, in a
way. That someone thinks I'm someone else
pretending to be someone else.

Richard has just sent me an email. Full of
cheeriness and I love you's. He says he'll be
online soon, but we'll see about that. It's been
said before. I've been a complete bitch to him
lately, for which I'd dearly love to slap myself
for. It's truely not fair to him. I just don't
know what to do. I despair of never seeing him
again. It's a gut feeling. The past loves to
hit replay over and over and over. Will it be
my past or his past that flashes across the
screen? The world may never know.

I believe that this is my punishment for the
way I acted in my relationship with Bill, though.
For all the veils of secrecy. The half-truths.
The behind the back and round again. I'm vermin
for the things that I've done. And being forced
apart from someone I actually /want/ to be with
now is justifiable punishment, I would venture
to guess. I deserve to be punished. For all of
the things I did, I don't think I really even
deserve to still be breathing. I became something
that I despised. All in an effort to give my
heart away to someone who just didn't want it.
To someone who was more in love with the idea of
me, than me in actuality.

Thoughts of pills gather in my brain. I remember
the bottle of muscle relaxers I was prescribed
a few months prior. They would go nicely with
some vodka and cigarettes. I carry them around
with me like a shield. Knowing that if I ever
needed oblivion, I had my passport right in my
purse. How very fucking Anne Sexton of me.

Pathetic.

angst angst angst

(no subject)

Fuck this shit.
He said he was coming online shortly. That was
at seven o'clock. It is now close to nine.
I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being
alone.

I am human filth and the rest of the world
knows this fully.

I should be in bed right now.

But, I'm not.

I'm very close to peeling out over the edge.
Closer than I let on to. To everyone around me.

Tonight, I had a conversation with the Orphan
regarding myself, himself, Richard, and how
he (Orphan) feels that since he could never have
the chance to be with me, then he doesn't wish to
speak to me at all.

I told him this was silly, that why couldn't
he just speak to me on a different level?
He asked "Try talking to your boyfriend as just a friend, with no hope of being with him or anyone."
Then he told me to go away.

I didn't.
Despite how it hurt me to be told so blatantly.
"Now, please. Go away."

I told him of my problems with Richard. I told
him about how it seems Richard is dragging his
feet about being with me. About his obligations
towards work and family. About how I don't think
I'll ever see him again. How I feel like just
another responsibility to him.

I told him that I want to give up on everything.
Not just Richard related. But /everything./

He's offered for me to come out to where he
is and stay with him. That he would help me
crawl out of my bolt hole.

I told him that I would think about it. That it
was the only answer I could give.

And truthfully. I am thinking about it. I just
don't know what I'm thinking. There's so many
variables. So many chances. So many paths that
could possibly spiral out of one small decision.

I need help. Serious help.

And a serious kick in the ass.