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you little wonder, you
Feb. 11th, 2002 01:15 amA long time ago, I felt empty. It was as familiar to me as my own face and hands. I despised the feeling. I went through many means to end it. I drank, took drugs, catted around, pushed my body to its limits...all in an effort to fill up the emptiness which resides in the pit of my heart.
Now, I'm full. And I hate it, just as much as I hated the emptiness. There's always too much for me to say and my paltry vocabulary can't compete with the words inside my head. Half the time, I don't think that there's words and phrases to even express how I'm feeling. So, I make half assed attempts and wind up looking the fool.
This is nothing new.
My problem: How do I find a happy medium?
I'm not the girl I was ten years ago, on the brink of moving to the city and full of everlasting dreams and aspirations. That girl was lost amongst a assload of debt and drugs. I'm also not the girl I was five years ago, half sick with longing for something that never existed in the first place. I'm not even the same girl I was a single year ago. Now, she was one of the biggest fools of all. Especially with all those stars in her eyes.
I am, however, now:
*more rational than I've ever been
*conscious of how people react to my words
*less likely to fly off half cocked when hurt
*less willing to show my hurt, in the first place
*more willing to discuss problems
*semi poison free
*in more control of my schizophrenia
*more responsible for my actions
I still am overly emotional, stubborn, non-logical, arrogant, selfish, and lazy. With a whorish heart, to boot.
Those things I don't believe I'll ever get rid of. They're too deeply ingrained into my skin and psyche.
I know I've matured over the years, I know I've grown up. But, when will I ever be satisfied? Do I even want such a thing? In the past, satisfaction has always immediately equaled stagnation. I had a long, long conversation with the Engineer this evening about pushing for goals one at a time. But, what happens after I achieve these goals I've set?
Will I ever be truly happy?
Now, I'm full. And I hate it, just as much as I hated the emptiness. There's always too much for me to say and my paltry vocabulary can't compete with the words inside my head. Half the time, I don't think that there's words and phrases to even express how I'm feeling. So, I make half assed attempts and wind up looking the fool.
This is nothing new.
My problem: How do I find a happy medium?
I'm not the girl I was ten years ago, on the brink of moving to the city and full of everlasting dreams and aspirations. That girl was lost amongst a assload of debt and drugs. I'm also not the girl I was five years ago, half sick with longing for something that never existed in the first place. I'm not even the same girl I was a single year ago. Now, she was one of the biggest fools of all. Especially with all those stars in her eyes.
I am, however, now:
*more rational than I've ever been
*conscious of how people react to my words
*less likely to fly off half cocked when hurt
*less willing to show my hurt, in the first place
*more willing to discuss problems
*semi poison free
*in more control of my schizophrenia
*more responsible for my actions
I still am overly emotional, stubborn, non-logical, arrogant, selfish, and lazy. With a whorish heart, to boot.
Those things I don't believe I'll ever get rid of. They're too deeply ingrained into my skin and psyche.
I know I've matured over the years, I know I've grown up. But, when will I ever be satisfied? Do I even want such a thing? In the past, satisfaction has always immediately equaled stagnation. I had a long, long conversation with the Engineer this evening about pushing for goals one at a time. But, what happens after I achieve these goals I've set?
Will I ever be truly happy?
