you little wonder, you

[thejunipertree]

A long time ago, I felt empty. It was as familiar to me as my own face and hands. I despised the feeling. I went through many means to end it. I drank, took drugs, catted around, pushed my body to its limits...all in an effort to fill up the emptiness which resides in the pit of my heart.

Now, I'm full. And I hate it, just as much as I hated the emptiness. There's always too much for me to say and my paltry vocabulary can't compete with the words inside my head. Half the time, I don't think that there's words and phrases to even express how I'm feeling. So, I make half assed attempts and wind up looking the fool.

This is nothing new.

My problem: How do I find a happy medium?

I'm not the girl I was ten years ago, on the brink of moving to the city and full of everlasting dreams and aspirations. That girl was lost amongst a assload of debt and drugs. I'm also not the girl I was five years ago, half sick with longing for something that never existed in the first place. I'm not even the same girl I was a single year ago. Now, she was one of the biggest fools of all. Especially with all those stars in her eyes.

I am, however, now:

*more rational than I've ever been
*conscious of how people react to my words
*less likely to fly off half cocked when hurt
*less willing to show my hurt, in the first place
*more willing to discuss problems
*semi poison free
*in more control of my schizophrenia
*more responsible for my actions

I still am overly emotional, stubborn, non-logical, arrogant, selfish, and lazy. With a whorish heart, to boot.

Those things I don't believe I'll ever get rid of. They're too deeply ingrained into my skin and psyche.

I know I've matured over the years, I know I've grown up. But, when will I ever be satisfied? Do I even want such a thing? In the past, satisfaction has always immediately equaled stagnation. I had a long, long conversation with the Engineer this evening about pushing for goals one at a time. But, what happens after I achieve these goals I've set?

Will I ever be truly happy?

Comments

[ferretboi.livejournal.com]

When you achieve all your goals you set new ones. There are always more goals to achieve. I think it's good that you feel you are making progress, some stagnate and waste their entire life, my father after my mother left him is still broken. Spinning his wheels aimlessly. And just because you aren't satisfied doesn't mean you can't be happy. It just means you have something to strive for. :)