irritation abounds

I am quite annoyed at the moment.

One my alt.support.schizophrenia newsgroup, there would appear to be a fairly new poster who believes the newsgroup to be his own personal journal site. Every day he writes posts about the mundane experiences he's had.

Even down to a specific post detailing how his television broke and he needed to ask his father for a loan. And how his father was mad, but didn't say anything. That was the entire post. Nothing else.

He marks them all "daily diary".

Call me a bitch (and I'm sure that some of you will), but I find this highly inappropriate and /rude/ of someone to do for a newsgroup that has absolutely nothing to do with some stupid mundane and the bullshit he goes through in his life.

It's a schizophrenia support group. Not a doofus who can't buy his own television support group.


I am a bitch.

Oh, and bad news of the week (since it would appear that it comes weekly now): My brother (who lives with me) lost his job on Thursday through the fault of an asshole supervisor who happens to be the brother of the owner of the company.

Fucking lovely.

Let's add this up, shall we?

1 mother (+ colon cancer +chemotherapy=disability for quite some time) + 1 daughter (+unemployment checks which run out in November +not able to get a job because of having to take care of mother) + brother who lost his job = FUCKED.

Fucked.

white noise

The decision has been made amongst the white noise in my head that I am cut off from almost everyone who loves me and are therefore obsolete and unneeded.

I can't help people when they need it, it would seem. Carrie is sad, I can't do anything about it. Wemble is going through loneliness in DE, I can't do anything about it. The Engineer is depressed because he feels he's going nowhere in life, I can't do anything about it. Wee Ninja needs help getting a cat tree to Goblin City, I can't do anything about it. My mother has cancer, I can't do anything about it. My brother lost his job, I can't do anything about it. The Priest They Called Him is depressed, I can't do anything about it.

Why the fuck am I even existing, if my hands are continually tied?

I would like to know exactly what benefits anyone receives from having me around. Because all I do is complain, pick fights, buy more shoes than God knows what to do with, get depressed, talk to myself incessantly, and put my ear against the wall to listen for spies.

I mean, what the fuck huh?

I try and I try and I try and I try.

Nothing which NEEDS to be accomplished actually GETS to be accomplished. And somehow, I wind up feeling like it's all my fucking fault. That if I had done (a.) then (b.) wouldn't have happened. If I had said (c.) then (d.) wouldn't have happened. That if I had suceeded in keeping down that bottle of pills in 1991, then NONE of this would be happening.

I feel so fucking useless and powerless sometimes, that it makes me sick.

Sick to my fucking stomach.