hoom.

Oncologist appointment in three hours. We're going to go over my mother's last round of CAT scan films with the doctor.

...

I'm scared.



Be mindful of the prayers you send
Pray hard but pray with care
For the tears that you are crying now
Are just your answered prayers
The ladders of life that we scale merrily
Move mysteriously around
So that when you think you're climbing up, man
In fact you're climbing down
Into the hollows of glamour, where with spikes and hammer
With telescopic camera, they chose to turn the screw
Oh I hate them, Ma! Oh I hate them, Pa!
Oh I hate them all for what they went and done to you

control, not cure.

Two nodules now, which have grown. In the pelvic area. They're malignent. Malignant. Whatever. FUCK.

There's also a five millimeter (?) spot in one of her lungs.
They're unsure about that because it's so small. It could be scar tissue.

Port to be installed.
Radiation treatment, coupled with more chemotherapy.
Followed up by another kind of chemo, who's name is escaping me currently.

There is no talk of "curing" it, this go round. Only talk of control.

In the patient room, she put her face in her hands and cried. I put my arms around her and wanted to scream until my throat bled.

I can't leave, I still have to take care of you.