(no subject)

If any of you actually wonder why I've gotten so sporadic with my journal entry writing, it's mostly because I'm finding it rather difficult to keep myself together long enough to write something that won't depress the fuck out of everyone who reads it.

On more than one occasion, I've proclaimed the need to not constantly talk about the situation I am currently battling, re: my mother's medical condition. However, any of you who have been through similar situations know how pervasive this sort of thing can truly be.

Despite how much I fight it and attempt to be "normal", her cancer is encompassing my life right now. I can go minutes, even hours, without thinking of it, but something always brings me back to reality. And I hate that.

I don't want to be the person who's always lamenting their lot in life. I don't want to be the conversation joy-kill. I don't want to be the girl who busts out with some sob story of enormous proportions in the middle of everyone else's good time.

And I try so hard not to do that. Which is precisely the reason why so many of you don't hear from me for such long stretches of time. I can't be the hand-staple-forehead girl.

But, things are so fucking bad right now. I can barely stand it. And it's all out of my control. My hands are tied. Completely.

The only thing I can do is watch and wait.