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I gave in after last night's shitacular episode.
Holy fuck, was that scary? Yes, yes it was.
I've said it a few times to other people, but it bears repeating: that was some seriously fright going on. I've never felt anything even remotely like that before in my life.
I've known a metric fucktonne of people who have all quit completely cold turkey and had little to no trouble with it, although some of them quit when they were massively sick and already miserable. And I clearly underestimated the power of addiction.
The concept has always made sense to me, but the execution? Jesus. Kicking my pill habit years and years ago had nothing on this shit. That was a fucking joke compared to nicotine.
And that is fucked up, yo.
I'm still emotionally shaky. Part of this is the realization that I am actually human and can't muddle through everything in my path by sheer force of will. Part of it is also finding out the strength of the hold that this addiction actually has on me. Again, I got the concept. But, the reality? Whoa.
Of course, I'm me and have been beating myself up about pussying out after only two days. I can't get around that; it's deeply programmed in my personality.
I reckon that there were a few fatal flaws that I missed in my arrogance:
1. doing this cold turkey was a bad fucking idea
2. not doing enough research on the actual withdrawal symptoms and what to do about them
3. not really taking into account the fact that I have not gone more than roughly twelve hours without having a cigarette since about 1992
4. putting too much stock in other's personal anecdotes
5. doing this solely for a grade
At the very least, all of this was a very interesting personal experiment.
I have a lot of thinking a head of me: if I want to continue to try to quit, how I'm going to go about it, etc. I don't know when any of that is going to happen, but it's something that's definitely in mind.
I am smoking less now. I bought a pack last night, on my way home from work, and I still have over half of it left. This is astonishing, considering my former use. I've got a better idea of the whens and whys for when I light up and I'm much more conscious of that now.
Ach. Now, I just have to face my professor tonight and tell him I bombed. That'll be a party.
Holy fuck, was that scary? Yes, yes it was.
I've said it a few times to other people, but it bears repeating: that was some seriously fright going on. I've never felt anything even remotely like that before in my life.
I've known a metric fucktonne of people who have all quit completely cold turkey and had little to no trouble with it, although some of them quit when they were massively sick and already miserable. And I clearly underestimated the power of addiction.
The concept has always made sense to me, but the execution? Jesus. Kicking my pill habit years and years ago had nothing on this shit. That was a fucking joke compared to nicotine.
And that is fucked up, yo.
I'm still emotionally shaky. Part of this is the realization that I am actually human and can't muddle through everything in my path by sheer force of will. Part of it is also finding out the strength of the hold that this addiction actually has on me. Again, I got the concept. But, the reality? Whoa.
Of course, I'm me and have been beating myself up about pussying out after only two days. I can't get around that; it's deeply programmed in my personality.
I reckon that there were a few fatal flaws that I missed in my arrogance:
1. doing this cold turkey was a bad fucking idea
2. not doing enough research on the actual withdrawal symptoms and what to do about them
3. not really taking into account the fact that I have not gone more than roughly twelve hours without having a cigarette since about 1992
4. putting too much stock in other's personal anecdotes
5. doing this solely for a grade
At the very least, all of this was a very interesting personal experiment.
I have a lot of thinking a head of me: if I want to continue to try to quit, how I'm going to go about it, etc. I don't know when any of that is going to happen, but it's something that's definitely in mind.
I am smoking less now. I bought a pack last night, on my way home from work, and I still have over half of it left. This is astonishing, considering my former use. I've got a better idea of the whens and whys for when I light up and I'm much more conscious of that now.
Ach. Now, I just have to face my professor tonight and tell him I bombed. That'll be a party.
