[no smoking] day two

Yesterday sucked.

I was doing ok, up until the point I ate my lunch. Everything pissed me off. Everyone pissed me off. I wanted nothing more than to just start shouting at people. I did shout at people. And it stayed about the same until I went to bed.

I was so freaking edgy the entire night. My limbs felt disjointed. Itchy. Constricted.

I argued with the Engineer because he felt I shouldn't have a couple hits off my bowl to try to settle down. I don't think it's "exchanging one habit for another". It's attempting to alleviate the symptoms of withdrawal. I'm not going to suddenly become a jibbering Phish-fan who enjoys hackey-sack and says, "Dude..." a lot.

Is today better? I don't rightly know. I don't feel as jittery yet, but I also haven't eaten. I was a little sideways this morning when I was getting ready for work because I normally smoke a cigarette either when I'm doing my makeup or when I'm driving to work. But, I sucked on a peppermint on my drive in. It helped a little. Not much.

My right hand hurts for some reason. Well, not my hand. Just my index finger and knuckle. It feels swollen and tight; I don't know why. I don't believe it to be related to the no smoking situation, but it's an annoyance. It's making it difficult and painful for me to type or handwrite anything. I can't crack the knuckle and I can't push the finger back more than maybe half of its normal backward range. Forward is fine, though painful. When I woke up this morning, all of my blankets were twisted around in odd placements, none of which I started the night out with. I don't remember dreaming at all, either. What the hell did I do to myself in my sleep?

[no smoking] day two, after lunch

Now, in haiku format:

Managed to eat lunch.
Currently sucking on mints.
Verily, this sucks.



Would like to blow up the moon.
And then bathe in the blood of the infidels.

The Engineer called me a couple of hours ago to see how I was doing and if I was any better from the tantrum I threw last night. I told him I don't know if I can do this. I don't think I have the right carrot on a stick.

See, bit of back story because I realized only a couple of people know why I'm doing this:

My Stress Management professor told the smokers in the class that if we quit smoking and stayed quit until the end of the semester, we wouldn't have to do our final project (which is a full on, balls to the wall research paper with cites and everything). All we would have to do is keep a daily journal about the no smoking and not smoke. Instant A. A is for awesome.

Sounds like a great idea, right? I'm a complete A whore. And recently, I'd been vaguely batting around the idea of quitting smoking, but it's been a very nebulous sort of musing. Kind of like a hmmm, maybe I should get around to that...

So, Professor Stress Management puts this offer on the table and I see a shiny. Oooh, look! I say to myself. An A that I don't have to work for!

ha-fucking-ha.

And there you go. So, on the phone with the Engineer, I tell him that I don't think I have the right carrot on the stick. I could get an A in the class standing on my head and high as a kite. I could write that fucking paper in my sleep and get an A. Quitting smoking to get that particular A? It's akin to saying If you shovel out that shit-filled outhouse, I'll give you the brand new car that you're almost done paying off. It's just not cutting it for me. The payoff does not equal the workload.

Is this the addiction talking? Could be. Is this me over-thinking everything? Could be. Is this me being a whiny bitch? Could be. Probably. I'm going to talk a lot of nonsense over the next couple of weeks. Be warned.

I'm not throwing in the towel that easily, mind you. I'm at least giving it the 72 hours my professor told me it takes to get the nicotine out of my system (which I later found out by doing my own research that in that 72 hours, it's 90% of the nicotine, after that you have a two week Mister Toad's Wild Ride to deal with).

My concentration is shot. My motor skills are all fux0red as a result; I have to keep retyping things. I'm depressed for no good goddamn reason. I'm jittery and anxious. I've been half in tears all day. Look up nicotine withdrawal symptoms: I'm a fucking walking billboard for them. I feel crazier than I do on even my worse crazy days.

I just want to go home and go to bed.

[no smoking] day two, early evening

I just got done pacing around the parking lot at work. On the phone with the Engineer, crying. Then laughing, then crying again.

Things have gotten significantly worse since this afternoon.

I don't think I can do this cold turkey. I really don't.

I mean, I'm willful and stubborn and all of that other fun shit, but holy fuck. This is no joke. I've never felt like this before in my entire life. It's scary.

Why do I keep crying?!