[no smoking] day two, after lunch

[thejunipertree]

Now, in haiku format:

Managed to eat lunch.
Currently sucking on mints.
Verily, this sucks.



Would like to blow up the moon.
And then bathe in the blood of the infidels.

The Engineer called me a couple of hours ago to see how I was doing and if I was any better from the tantrum I threw last night. I told him I don't know if I can do this. I don't think I have the right carrot on a stick.

See, bit of back story because I realized only a couple of people know why I'm doing this:

My Stress Management professor told the smokers in the class that if we quit smoking and stayed quit until the end of the semester, we wouldn't have to do our final project (which is a full on, balls to the wall research paper with cites and everything). All we would have to do is keep a daily journal about the no smoking and not smoke. Instant A. A is for awesome.

Sounds like a great idea, right? I'm a complete A whore. And recently, I'd been vaguely batting around the idea of quitting smoking, but it's been a very nebulous sort of musing. Kind of like a hmmm, maybe I should get around to that...

So, Professor Stress Management puts this offer on the table and I see a shiny. Oooh, look! I say to myself. An A that I don't have to work for!

ha-fucking-ha.

And there you go. So, on the phone with the Engineer, I tell him that I don't think I have the right carrot on the stick. I could get an A in the class standing on my head and high as a kite. I could write that fucking paper in my sleep and get an A. Quitting smoking to get that particular A? It's akin to saying If you shovel out that shit-filled outhouse, I'll give you the brand new car that you're almost done paying off. It's just not cutting it for me. The payoff does not equal the workload.

Is this the addiction talking? Could be. Is this me over-thinking everything? Could be. Is this me being a whiny bitch? Could be. Probably. I'm going to talk a lot of nonsense over the next couple of weeks. Be warned.

I'm not throwing in the towel that easily, mind you. I'm at least giving it the 72 hours my professor told me it takes to get the nicotine out of my system (which I later found out by doing my own research that in that 72 hours, it's 90% of the nicotine, after that you have a two week Mister Toad's Wild Ride to deal with).

My concentration is shot. My motor skills are all fux0red as a result; I have to keep retyping things. I'm depressed for no good goddamn reason. I'm jittery and anxious. I've been half in tears all day. Look up nicotine withdrawal symptoms: I'm a fucking walking billboard for them. I feel crazier than I do on even my worse crazy days.

I just want to go home and go to bed.

Comments

[madamewoselle.livejournal.com]

My parents quit smoking...together. And while to some that might sound all romantic, in truth my sister and I hid in our rooms for 2 weeks straight while they screamed at each other and cried for cigarettes. Then it was all over. The Patch helped them. They've been off for 15 years now.

[meetzemonsta.livejournal.com]

I really think I need the patch or something like that. I don't think I can do this just on the sheer force of willpower.

I was just out in the parking lot, on my cell phone with the Engineer, sobbing uncontrollably and laughing.

This is some scary, scary shit. I've never felt like this before in my entire life. My hands are shaking.

[bestekeni.livejournal.com]

"We are earthlings! Let's blow up earth things!"