In ancient times when you were sick
Nov. 20th, 2002 11:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thejunipertreeI have been keeping lots of things inside of me for the past week, because I haven't decided how to deal with them as of yet.
I need to hash it out, though. And this entry may very well become a private one by the time I'm done writing it.
My mother has been having problems with her legs alot lately. A couple of months ago, when it was still warm and green outside, we would take walks every evening. Each night, she set (and usually reached) a new goal. First, it was the entire sidewalk spanning the length of our apartment building. Then it was the driveway down the block. Then it was the corner stop sign. After that, the driveway of the house around the corner. On and on until she was reaching the /other/ corner and beyond.
Only, it started to dwindle back on itself again. The walks became less frequent and when they were taken, she could barely make it to the stop sign. A few times, she was taking out the trash and almost collapsed.
Her legs would ache badly, and I mean BADLY in the middle of the night. Then they started to do it during the day. Lessening her exercise didn't help. Increasing it didn't help, either.
So, we brought it up to the oncologist and he decided that she needed to have a CT scan to see what was the matter. Two Mondays ago, she had the scan and last Friday we got the results.
Nothing visible is wrong with her legs. They have no idea what it is. However, there are signs of early arthritis in a couple of spinal discs. Some scarring in the upper portions of her lungs (from prolonged smoking). A two millimeter spot on her liver. And another tiny amount of millimeters spot in her pelvic area.
Spots. Dark areas in the scans which they can't decipher just yet. The doctor says that the one in her pelvic area could very well be from the surgery she went through. Her bowels had a lot of shifting and it could be a loop of something.
The one on her liver is more worrisome. It could be early signs of the cancer spreading to that region. But, they don't know. And we have to wait three months, have her scanned again, then see what it looks like.
If it's grown or shrunk any, then the chances lean towards more tumours. The Campozar (chemo drug) that she's taking can aid in this. But, liver cancer isn't anything to sneeze at. Not by a far stretch.
And. I. Am. Terrified.
Let's theorise that it is cancer and that she will have to have more chemotherapy treatments, possibly even more surgery. She can't stay on temporary disability forever. And the co-payments from her place of her employment for healthcare are building up in a most scary manner. She still has coverage, but because she isn't getting a pay check from them right now there isn't any money to be taking the co-payment from. So, it's just building and building. I don't even want to know what the amount is right now. I know what I paid on a bi-weekly basis for the healthcare I had when I worked there and we had the same exact plan.
Okay. So let's also theorise that my mother decides to go to permenant disability. The money is significantly LESS than what she is getting now. And what she is getting now isn't even enough. Not only that, but you aren't granted health insurance on permanent disability until you've been disabled for TWO YEARS.
Two fucking years. How are we supposed to manage that? I can possibly see if I can start claiming her as a dependant, and thusly try to put her on my own healthcare plan at my new job. The co-payments for that will rape me in the ass. Not only all of that, but if I am head of household I will have to continue working full time. And then HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE?!
I am so overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start first. And all I can do is wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
then there's the idea that we go through all of this and it's all for nothing...
no, I won't even speak it.
I can't.
All the stupid drama from the past couple of weeks, on LJ and Art Conspiracy and in my meatspace life, just compounds it all in my skull. There's no way I can deal with all of this. Not a fucking chance in hell.
I need to hash it out, though. And this entry may very well become a private one by the time I'm done writing it.
My mother has been having problems with her legs alot lately. A couple of months ago, when it was still warm and green outside, we would take walks every evening. Each night, she set (and usually reached) a new goal. First, it was the entire sidewalk spanning the length of our apartment building. Then it was the driveway down the block. Then it was the corner stop sign. After that, the driveway of the house around the corner. On and on until she was reaching the /other/ corner and beyond.
Only, it started to dwindle back on itself again. The walks became less frequent and when they were taken, she could barely make it to the stop sign. A few times, she was taking out the trash and almost collapsed.
Her legs would ache badly, and I mean BADLY in the middle of the night. Then they started to do it during the day. Lessening her exercise didn't help. Increasing it didn't help, either.
So, we brought it up to the oncologist and he decided that she needed to have a CT scan to see what was the matter. Two Mondays ago, she had the scan and last Friday we got the results.
Nothing visible is wrong with her legs. They have no idea what it is. However, there are signs of early arthritis in a couple of spinal discs. Some scarring in the upper portions of her lungs (from prolonged smoking). A two millimeter spot on her liver. And another tiny amount of millimeters spot in her pelvic area.
Spots. Dark areas in the scans which they can't decipher just yet. The doctor says that the one in her pelvic area could very well be from the surgery she went through. Her bowels had a lot of shifting and it could be a loop of something.
The one on her liver is more worrisome. It could be early signs of the cancer spreading to that region. But, they don't know. And we have to wait three months, have her scanned again, then see what it looks like.
If it's grown or shrunk any, then the chances lean towards more tumours. The Campozar (chemo drug) that she's taking can aid in this. But, liver cancer isn't anything to sneeze at. Not by a far stretch.
And. I. Am. Terrified.
Let's theorise that it is cancer and that she will have to have more chemotherapy treatments, possibly even more surgery. She can't stay on temporary disability forever. And the co-payments from her place of her employment for healthcare are building up in a most scary manner. She still has coverage, but because she isn't getting a pay check from them right now there isn't any money to be taking the co-payment from. So, it's just building and building. I don't even want to know what the amount is right now. I know what I paid on a bi-weekly basis for the healthcare I had when I worked there and we had the same exact plan.
Okay. So let's also theorise that my mother decides to go to permenant disability. The money is significantly LESS than what she is getting now. And what she is getting now isn't even enough. Not only that, but you aren't granted health insurance on permanent disability until you've been disabled for TWO YEARS.
Two fucking years. How are we supposed to manage that? I can possibly see if I can start claiming her as a dependant, and thusly try to put her on my own healthcare plan at my new job. The co-payments for that will rape me in the ass. Not only all of that, but if I am head of household I will have to continue working full time. And then HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE?!
I am so overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start first. And all I can do is wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
then there's the idea that we go through all of this and it's all for nothing...
no, I won't even speak it.
I can't.
All the stupid drama from the past couple of weeks, on LJ and Art Conspiracy and in my meatspace life, just compounds it all in my skull. There's no way I can deal with all of this. Not a fucking chance in hell.
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(no subject)
Date: 2002-11-20 10:59 pm (UTC)Ja Rule is on television right now.
And it made me automatically think of you. ^_^