(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

Irritation abounds.

I applied for a loan refinance about two weeks ago. Money is extremely tight, probably the tightest it's been in a long while, and I have three animals that need vet visits. Also needed is money for the holidays and money to gut this apartment into something acceptable. I've refinanced my loan before, when my mother applied for bankruptcy and I paid the thousand dollars it took to do so. It went smoothly and the only thing which took an extended amount of time is getting my father up here on a day where he can sign the paperwork (he's my co-signer).

Two weeks ago, I called the bank my loan is housed in and asked them for an application to refinance again. They faxed it to me and in response to my questions about my father filling out the papers, they told me it wasn't necessary and if they needed any information from him, they would call me. Fabulous. This makes getting the application in even quicker, because I could just fill it out and fax it back.

Which is exactly what I did that day.

I receive a phone call today from the bank informing me that my application has been denied because I have a lot of open credit and my bills seem to exceed my paychecks. I flip the fuck out. Ask them if my co-signer was even taken into account with this decision.

And apparently, he was not. Why?
Because he wasn't on the paperwork.

You shit-fucking bastards. You TOLD me he didn't have to be on there.

So now, I have to resubmit my application with my father's information and signature, then go through the entire process over again. And the woman I spoke to on the phone acts like I'm some kind of lying dullard. Oh, well it couldn't have possibly taken two weeks. Well. It did. Check your fucking records for when I originally submitted these papers.

I hung up, laid down on my bed, and cried like a little bitch for a good hour.

I had woken up this morning, already feeling like crap, and decided to go into work late. It was asked that I work on Saturday anyway, so I figured any missed hours would be sufficiently made up by that. Now on top of feeling like ass on the half shell, I've got this load of stress dumped on my head.

There's too much going on, too much input into my brain, and I'm not sure if I can take it all. I'm already at my limit emotionally from everything that happened with my mother and I'm already walking around most of my days like a zombie. Two nights ago, Mom's best friend from when she was growing up called me. I had called her the day after Mom died, to let her know, but I got her answering machine. She was only just getting back from being away on vacation for a month when she called me. And I had to dredge everything back up for her, despite how much it hurt to talk about it. I think that's probably what put me into the funk I woke up with this morning, because it was creeping around the edges all day yesterday too.

I'm not hiding from my feelings, but I DON'T want to talk about it with anyone right now. It won't do me any good. It's not as if I'm in need of a solution. Conversation is not going to make me heal faster, it's not going to uncover some unknown truth that will suddenly fire all the lights in my head and I'm magically not going to be grieving anymore. The only solution to the pain I'm going through is to wait it out. Time is what I need.

My not discussing what happened on November 12th is very deliberate on my part. It's MY memory. There's no need to share it. Sharing it isn't going to make me feel any better. And pulling it all out into the open again for my mom's friend did nothing but make me upset.

Mind you, I don't blame her. She has every right to know what went on. And there was no way for me to avoid it. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling any less shitty and upset. It hurts to talk about it and I only do it when I have to.

Saturday night, I gave Angel free run of my mother's closet. She picked out everything she wanted to take and we bagged it up. All of the other clothes are going to a battered women's shelter on Monday, except for a couple of cashmere sweaters I refuse to part with. We laughed as we did this, and Angel talked about how she wished she could have met my mother. That didn't hurt at all. It felt like honouring her, in some way. And I'm going to take today and bag up the rest of the clothes for Monday.

I don't know. I have a lot going on in my head right now, some of which I'm actually willing to talk about with people. But, I don't know how to verbalize it all. It's too much. Too big. And it stings around the edges.

In time, it'll come.

Comments

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. say what you want, when you want: people will listen to you. But don't if you don't want to; it's your perogative, your process.

It is good you're keeping the sweaters. I have one of my grandma's, and it means a lot to me, even now, just knowing I have it.

[dartsdelight.livejournal.com]

Here's my 2 cents for what its worth -I admire your strength in taking care of things for yourself and others, in trying to make sense of what happened in your own mind -it is natural to feel grief and to go through a mourning process -no one said you had to share it with the world or go through the trauma time and time again -unfortunately for some, the gist of the matter is really going to have to satisfy them. As for holiday money worries I too am in the same boat -I hope you get some green to cheer up your blues. And lastly, I have always thought you so brave in dealing with your mother's illness, in coming to terms with her death and you have to be one of the most amazing people to me in how you cope -I a wishing you all the best holiday even though I know its obviously going to be rough. I'd love to put you on my Christmas card list if you'll get me your address. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you a happier year to come.

[bluemoonbaby.livejournal.com]

i understand what you mean about not talking, the only person who can fix things is you. talking can help you work through problems that have absolute solutions.... otherwise it's just a matter of letting it out. <3<3<3<3

[aprilrobin.livejournal.com]

"Conversation is not going to make me heal faster, it's not going to uncover some unknown truth that will suddenly fire all the lights in my head and I'm magically not going to be grieving anymore. The only solution to the pain I'm going through is to wait it out. Time is what I need."

You and I are so alike sometimes.

I will be north tonight but please let me know what you're up for tomorrow, if anything.
<3

[ninjalicious.livejournal.com]

You don't have to talk about anything, ever. There's absolutely no reason to.

[evilbalddago.livejournal.com]

***BIG KISSES***
{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}