(no subject)

[thejunipertree]

Outside my apartment building, on the curb next to where my car is parked, sit seven black trashbags full of my mother's clothes.

I've been carting them around in my backseat and trunk for the past two months because I had not been able to find a suitable place to donate them all. The other day, I finally dredged up the phone number for Purple Heart and thusly made an appointment for pick-up.

Now I don't know how to feel.

I had thought I was ok with this. It had to happen, I knew this. It was all gung-ho and sally forth when I was labouriously cleaning out the closets and filling the bags, nary a weird feeling in sight. But tonight, as I stood on the front steps to the building waiting for the Engineer to let me in, I looked at the seven bags lined up on the cold sidewalk and felt like I was abandoning her on the side of the road.

Something ponderously large and heavy moved through my chest.
I chewed my bottom lip to keep from bursting into tears and went inside.

Comments

[lachupacabra.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[vivaemptiness.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry, honey :(

[theepumpkingirl.livejournal.com]

:(

[sola.livejournal.com]

*hugs* are dumb, but you know, i really mean it.

[serpent-sky.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I don't know what to say. We did that with my grandma's stuff [it was 10 years ago this month] and I took one sweater, which I still have. It was on the back of her chair and smelled like her. It doesn't anymore, but I have never washed it and sometimes just put it on for comfort. I know you said there were some things you were keeping; that's good. But you can't live with a ghost, so to speak... you're not abandoning anyone. You know this.

I saw some weird thing the other day... we were driving through Vista, which is like the redneck-ish woods part of our area of Westchester. And a street called Memory Lane. Under it, a sign: "Dead End." Bizarre... random... but made me think. Then I thought "god, pixie, you are a fucking dork and need to lay off the yoga if you're finding meaning in crap like that." But I thin you get the point: you can't live in the past, or for someone else. Hold on to a few dear things, because you will want it, and anybody would. But beyond that... I think you understand.

*hug* I am sorry all of this is so hard, I wish I had more advice. I almost burst into tears last night, realizing it's been ten years since I lost my grandma. I'm going to get my tattoo on what would have been her 95th birthday, had she lived forever like I think she should have.